Your Child's Mother

Words of Wisdom Wednesdays

2011-06-22T13:36:00.001-07:00

That's a picture of the FREE two cases of Clear Fruit water I got from the local distributor today.

My mother is a diabetic and she swears by these waters to help keep her blood sugar levels at a reasonable level. They aren't as sweet as sodas or some juices and MIB loves them.

I am a moderate extreme couponer and decided to email the company to tell them how much my family enjoys their waters. Plus I had hoped for a few coupons a well. The local distributor called the house earlier today to talk to me about my email but since I was at work he spoke to my mother instead.

My mother told him about her diabetes issues and how the water helped her. Come to find out, he was a diabetic too and used the waters to keep his blood sugar levels in check as well. They spoke for a little while longer and eventually he told her that he would be over at eleven to drop her off a couple of cases.

Eleven o'clock came and he had been there for ten minutes. My mother asked him about coupons a purchasing them directly from him. He said that wasn't possible but he would talk to one of the local stores to sell them to her at a discount (because the stores were selling them for too much).

That shows you what you can get if you just ask.

"Momma...you made me sad and I'm crying..."

2011-06-15T11:08:00.000-07:00

This is what MIB told me last night before she went to bed.

Yesterday she wanted to sleep with Nani instead of her room. So of course Nani said yes.

It was getting late (after midnight late) and she still wasn't sleeping. I was in the living room on the phone with a friend and looked out of the corner of my eye and saw my mother's bedroom door opening and closing repeatedly. I knew it was MIB and KNEW she needed to be sleep so I yelled:

"MIB! Stop opening and closing that door, get back in the bed, and go to SLEEP!! Good night! Mommy loves you!"

After that she closed the door, got back in the bed, I finished folding my laundry, watched the end of "Sodom and Gomorrah" (#KanyeShrug), and continued talking to my friend.

About 20 minutes later Nani came in the living room and told me that she was trying to call me to her room to check on MIB. She was crying because I screamed at her and I hurt her feelings.

"You didn't hear me calling you?"

"No ma'am...you know your door is soundproof. What's wrong"

"MIB is in here crying...come here."

I went into the room and all I saw was a pair of large, black, shiny eyes.

"Baby, come here...what's the matter?"

"Mommy I crying!"

"Why sweetie?"

"Because you yelled at me!"

Then she broke down and started sobbing in my arms and that broke my heart.

My mom told me that I shouldn't be hollering at her because it will lower her self esteem.

"When you were a kid, your daddy might have hollered at you when he was drunk but I would always sit you down and talk to you calmly...remember?"

"Yes ma'am."

"You shouldn't raise your voice at her like that. When she does something wrong and she needs to understand that you should come in here and talk to her calmly. She's already going to have some issues with the way she walks as she grows, don't give her any other self esteem issues."

I understood and I remembered. And then I apologized.

"MIB...listen to mommy. I am so sorry that I raised my voice at you and made you sad. But you have to listen to what mommy says and be a good girl. When I tell you something, it's because it is something that you have to do and mommy wouldn't tell you anything that would hurt you right?"

"Yes ma'am." ~sniffling~ "You made me sad and I'm crying!" ~wailing~

"Baby...baby...look here. Mommy will try not to scream at you again. But I want you to know that you still have to listen to what I tell you and that I love you. You're my girl and you mean the world to me...and it hurts me to see you so sad. So stop crying now Sweet Pea...'kay?"

"Yes ma'am..."

"You still my girl?"

"Yes ma'am"

"You happy?"

~Big ole toothy grin~ "I'm happy...are you happy Mommy?"

"I am now baby."

Big shugs (sugar and hugs...yeah I'm country).

Being a single parent and having all of the responsibility on one's shoulder can make for stressful situations especially since there really isn't someone there to help balance out the load of said responsibility (this can happen in marriages as well...but I'm speaking as a single mother). And unfortunately we take it out on our children because sometime they do that one little thing that takes us over the edge. But we have to learn how to rope our negative emotions and feelings in before we unload them on our innocent MIBs.

What have I learned from this?: To stop, take a deep breath, and talk to MIB before chastising or screaming at her. And, instead of taking it to level 5 right away, start at one...hell that's how we count right?

YCMs...what advice do you have about not taking out other things on your MIBs?

A change IS gonna come

2011-06-14T16:44:00.000-07:00

They done pissed me off y'all...

So at my job I've been training to do this new position (while still a temp mind you) and they've sent me to Pennsylvania a couple of times and are trying to get me in as an actual employee instead of as a temp. I've been doing my job, but I've been falling behind. My supervisor (who is really cool) helped me file almost 10,000 (yes that's what I said TEN THOUSAND) sets of papers and I'm behind AGAIN.

This new project that was assigned to me started off ok...but then it snowballed into insanity. They expected me to do four to six hours per day on that project along with the eight to ten hours of my regular job. Now I know I'm not every good in math but that equals to 12 to 16 hours per day...just to get the new project in the "normal" category (because right now that shit is far as hell away from normal).

I was expected to do this work from home after I left work...which meant losing time with MIB. Which meant no me time. Which meant I was going to lose my mind. And I did that for a while because I needed the overtime because I am beyond broke. But today I had a enough of that shit. Like...enough.

We had a meeting that was supposed to last an hour last an hour and half. We discussed problems with the new program (that corporate will.not.fix. or are trying to fix and "can't" fix). Then we actually fixed a few problems but encountered a few more after that. Then responsibilities were being distributed between me and several other folks.

While the duties were being divyed up, I was asked about how much time I had was able to dedicate to new said project. Um how about NONE? My main job takes up most of my day (especially if other departments are particularly busy) and leaves me with maybe an hour left (because I normally work through my lunch). Then if you add in bathroom breaks and I need to stand up off of my ass because it's falling asleep from sitting on it too long breaks...I have about thirty minutes left. Then after going through all of that mess you want me to come home and go through so MORE shit?!

Nope...nuh unh no way.

I am so TIRED of giving up all of my life for this job that could give a rat's ass about me and what I'm going through. Because I was getting some pretty decent bonuses from them as a temp, I was willing to stay as long as I could so that I could become their employee and to take care of MIB as well. Now they want me to put my main job to the side and try to do 8+ hours of work in two hours and use the rest of the day to finish the new part of my job. For real?

The mess that they put me through today literally gave me a migraine and some false stroke symptoms. I mean my chest was throbbing (hell as I TYPE about today's meeting my chest is feeling tight) and I just had to stop and lay back in my chair because if I would have said anything I probably would have had a serious stress related attack.

As of today I am so done with this job and those folks. Outside of work, I believe they are ok. But the entity that is my employer and the machine that is the corporation is killing me loudly. I made a decision yesterday to make bolder moves to create a lifestyle for myself that involved me working from home and that was the only thing that was on my mind today (you know...outside of the bullshit). And now I'm on a mission to do it because I want to be here for MIB when she decides to have babies (you know 40 years from now lmao).

So the moral of the story is: don't let corporate dictate your life and your health. Don't let corporate take you away from your family and yourself. And don't let corporate or corporate dollars (no matter how much you need them) blind you from what's important to you and what will make you happy.

Now I need an aspirin...

What would you do?

2011-06-09T13:23:00.000-07:00

This is kinda long so please bear with me...

MIB's birthday was last week. MCF's sister wanted to come over for the party (which was postponed for another reason) and she took off of work to attend the party with her kids. I felt bad about it (because I actually like his sister. She's really nice) and tried to make arrangements to do something else with her and her kids on the day me and MIB were to go out.

I tried calling MCF for days but he never answered, never got in touch with me, never texted me...nothing. On MIB's birthday, he didn't call her to wish her a happy birthday, he ever got into contact with her...nothing.

So I kept calling to cuss him out (to tell the truth) and he still never answered. I could have texted him but it wouldn't have been the same. Finally I decided to just say eff it and stopped calling him. This morning while I'm at work listening to Pandora, a text came through on my phone:

MCF: I truly understand the wrongfulness of my responsibilities and wish to make it up. But u have to realize my condition...I'm willing to give up my rights.

The hell?

I texted him back:

Me: I don't know your condition you won't talk to me that is all i ever asked of you was to just stay in contact with me.

His condition? He's bipolar. And a black male. In a city that has limited access to mental health help geared towards black males and bipolarism. He's been telling me (when we do talk) that he's been seeing someone professionally to get help with this but they changed his meds (he was on lithium and then they switched him to another script that sounded like an anti-psychotic...but I'm not a dr.).

But does this have anything to do with him not seeing MIB? With him missing her holidays and birthdays? Hell no. And hell yes.

I talked to him on the phone earlier this morning and he was telling me that he was under a mandatory 72 hour hold because of an incident that he had in the hospital. He was embarrassed and irritated that he had to be there and didn't want to be around MIB and his family because he was becoming more violent due to his lack of meds and (I think) professional mental health. He doesn't want to come to my house to see MIB because he and mother can't stand each other. According to him (which is true by the way) my mother takes shots at him and is always talking slick or saying something that just fucks up the flow of what is going on between him and MIB.

Should my mother make a difference in him seeing MIB? No. But I understand where he's coming from. I can understand that he's frustrated because every time he comes over my mother has something negative to say to him about the past and what he hadn't done instead of just letting what he was doing at that moment go on. He claims the anxiety and bipolarism makes him not want to deal with her.

I've talked to my mother (as y'all know she lives with me and I try to help her with her physical needs because of her long list of ailments...only child syndrome) about her comments and actions when he comes over. I tell her to stay out of it and to keep her comments to herself because it causes more trouble between MCF and myself. And she doesn't listen of course. Again that shouldn't deter him from coming over but if someone talked shit about me every time I came over to see my child I wouldn't want to come over either.
It ain't right but I understand.

Me and MCF talked again later in the afternoon today. I suggested to him that we have a mediator or co-parenting counseling to deal with what's going on between us so that we could properly raise MIB. He agreed to it but will it stick?

I have been working so hard to establish a good relationship between me and him, him and MIB and the three of us. And to tell the truth y'all...I'm tired. I can't keep listening to him tell me that my mother is running and ruining my life and to my mother that he ain't shit and doesn't want to have anything to do with MIB. I'm at a crossroads and need to know this: Do I pursue the counseling/mediation? Do I move out of the house with my mother and leave her to fend for her own with me coming over whenever I can to help her? Do I tell him to shove it? Is he even serious? How is his bipolar condition going to affect what we are trying to do for and with MIB?

I need answers y'all...

To be or not to be

2011-06-08T19:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had to stay home because my mother had a doctor's appointment and I didn't have a sitter. While playing with MIB and her Buzz Lightyear computer, I realized that I wanted to be a stay at home mom (SAHM).

This is a shocker because...well first of all I never wanted kids before I had MIB. I always envisioned myself being a single woman and never becoming a mother. Secondly I am a working woman. I couldn't see myself staying at home watching Nick Jr. all day or singing "Twinkle Twinkle" or making cookies and lemon bars all day. My idea of work is not cleaning up behind a three year old (SHE'S THREE! already...God where did the time go?)...it's getting up and driving to my job five days a week.

At least that's what it used to be. After waking up yesterday and spending the day with MIB playing and learning with her and then doing a few hours of work...I felt good. It was nice to be able to make my own hours while allowing enough time to help her with her phonics, clean, feed her at a decent time, and get her bathed and ready for bed. I missed doing that for her for three months when she was a newbie because I had to work two jobs over 15 hours a day six days a week. And I feel bad about that...I feel like shit about that actually.

But I know that I can't make up for time lost due to me trying to take care of my seed. What I can do though is concentrate on the time that's ahead. MIB is starting K3 in about three months and I would like to be able to take her to and pick her up from school everyday. I want to be able to make those lemon bars for her (with a sugar substitute of course because Montessori doesn't allow extremely sugary items for snacks) to take to school...or to snack on when she comes home. I want to be able have a sense of calm when we do interact.

And I think that making the decision to become a SAHM now was best for me. Being a single mother I know that I still have to work in order to take care of our needs so I will need the time that she is at school to take care of business. But self made hours, no commute (outside of the occasional trip to Office Depot and the local coffee shop), and peace of mind will benefit MIB more because I will have that extra time and patience to spend and deal with her and her constant "why" questions.

I know I will miss working a little bit because I've always thought of myself as a working mother. But now I see that I need to be a mother who works in order to raise MIB into the woman I would like for her to become. So now I need to be creating a master plan...

Single mothers: how do be the best SAHM while providing for your mini-mes? What tips do you have?

You're too young for that music

2011-05-16T10:21:00.000-07:00

Well, fool, maybe you aren't old enough.

I talked to SD last night after MIB and I visited his Ma'Dear yesterday afternoon. But, before we could get into the visit discussion good, he commented on my choice of music on my ring back (I'm not sure which song it is but I'm sure it was written and sung 10-20 years before I was even born...Motown sound for sure). He told me that I was too "young" to have songs like that playing on my ring back.

I'd rather listen to them than...

When I was a kid, I NEVER listened to hip hop or any current songs until I was about 8 or 9...especially rap/hip hop. My parents raised me on Motown, the blues, and country and my personal interests in music included your typical 80s genre (Duran Duran, The GoGos...any white group with their name repeated twice). But my personal favorite was Motown music before the 80s. I learned about the beauty of strings in "Just My Imagination" before I picked up a viola. I felt the sadness in "Reflections" before I could spell sadness properly. I went "Cruisin'" before I learned how to ride a bike.

To this day my favorite 45 (yes I said 45...damn maybe I AM getting old lol) is Diana Ross's "Upside Down" with "Mirror Mirror" on the B-side. And being able to listen to these songs, sing along with them, reminisce about good times with my mom and daddy, and expose MIB to them makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I am introducing a whole new genre of music to a new generation that would have never known that Patti LaBelle and her song "Love, Need and Want You" was the inspiration to Lloyd's "Lay it Down."

Thinking about they way that the men and women dressed during the 50s up until the 80s makes me wish for those days again. You would never see the Temptations looking like any ol' thing, running around with their asses hanging out with pants hitting their knees. They.were.sharp. Hear me? SHARP. Tuxedos, suits, coordinated outfits, the whole nine. They LOOKED like a group (despite the issues they had within the group) and kept their look pleasing to the eye without offending Big Momma an 'nem...

And the women...talk about classy. To see The Supremes with their wigs perfectly done (even though I know they were hot as HELL) and dresses that fit but covered EVERYTHING doing their little routines on stage made me want to be Diana Ross+hair (you KNOW her hair was and will always be her road dog). I wasn't subjected to Buffy the Body, Beyonce's crotch, and everybody else's breasts (well areola but you get what I'm saying...they need to cover up [I'm looking at you Janet even though you are my girl]). I learned that you could be classy, grown, and sexy without having only 15% of your body covered.

...this fool here. Flame.

I know that many of these groups had their issues with divorce, infidelity, drugs (Mr. Ruffin), abuse (Mr. Ruffin), and a slew of other things. But the images that they portrayed were grown, mature, and gave younger kids the proper impressions. It taught my parents how to dress, how to carry themselves, how to be an adult...at least how to look and sound like one. No Waka Flocka Flame here.

These groups and sounds and images made the person who I am. I am able to appreciate great music (with actual instruments!), real voices (that I can actually understand and don't need closed captioning to figure out what they are saying), costumes that took effort to create, and images that I don't mind exposing MIB to. I have learned to understand and respect hip hop/rap for the creativity, talent (SOME of the artists), it's worldwide magnetism, and freedom of expression that it offered folks that had no other way to be heard. I get that, I'm appreciative of that, and am glad that those voices were heard and allowed others to be musicians and composers that were able to usher in a new style that defines a generation or two. But when push comes to shove, my young behind has an old ass soul and prefers to listen to the music that were part of my and my mother's formative years. One day, MIB and me will have that connection and will be singing "Stop in the Name Of Love" in brushes and wooden spoons.

Maybe if SD would have been listening and paying attention to that instead of whatever it is he listens to now, he still wouldn't be trying to be a rapper*.

*kneegrow you are 34, it's over...sigh I'm so shamed

Planes, Promotions,Pittsburgh, Playing Possum, Procedures, and Planning for Peace

2011-05-09T16:20:00.000-07:00

I'm back!
Life has taken me on a trip and I am still sight seeing.

Over the last several months I have been busy beyond belief trying to take care of family, work, money, and SD's nonsense. Let's start with Planes, Promotions and Pittsburgh.

In March, my boss and supervisor told me that I would be taking over a new freight system project and got me started training with the soon to be retired person that was doing it before me. Once I started this project, I soon realized that I was going to have to commit nothing less than 15 hours a week to it on TOP of the 40+ hours I was already working. As time went on, folks at my job got jealous, were trying to micromanage my position instead of worrying about their own, and were bad mouthing me to my supervisor.

Being the fabulous person that she is, she let them know that she would talk to me about certain things I was behind in (due to the two to three hours of meetings several days a week) but she let them know that they needed to take care of their business and that didn't sit well with them. It also pissed them off to know that I was going to Pittsburgh (my job's general office's location) to train for three days (I'm a temp still and for them to send me there is a pretty big deal).

Of course I was excited to go but there was one problem: I was scared to fly. Eventually I got over my fear, got on the plane (with the help of some Skyy Blue), and made my trip. Visiting GO was an exciting experience and I am so glad that I did make that trip. I got to meet the big wigs, proved myself to the company (again), and met many people that I had only talked to on the phone. Once I got back, I thought that this would be my segue to a permanent position but I was highly mistaken.

I let my boss and supervisor know that I needed to have security in my position not only for myself but for MIB. They told me that they were trying to get me hired (the same line that has been fed to me for years) but all they were able to get me was a raise. Which I finally got last week. Yay. (y'all know sarcasm when y'all see it right? That's what I thought...moving on).

Let's move onto the next part of my beautiful title full of alliteration and discuss Playing Possum. That involves SD (yes he's back to being SD). He'd been acting like he had a little fat on his head and was all concerned about MIB and was calling about her and whatnot. But once it was time for her to have her Procedure, he failed. His sorry ass, once again, did not show up for her latest surgery (taking the pins and plates out of her hips...a procedure I talked about here and here. A little later on I'll explain exactly what she had done and why). After blowing up his phone with calls and text messages (yeah I can get a little bit hood sometimes...wha?) I gave up trying to contact him after her surgery and just focused on her (and my mom, she had surgery three days prior to MIB's). Then he had the NERVE to text me Happy Mother's Day...he can hold his breath on a thank you for that one.

Planning on Peace. This was the most important revelation that I've had all year and it was due to a combination of my other six Ps. Having to stay home and nurse my mother and MIB back to health, while trying to work from home, while trying to sell my Avon, while trying to stay sane drove me completely insane. I was so unhappy over the last week and I just couldn't shake it. My job, SD, situation with my mother, living situation, financial situation, mental situation just made me ridiculously unhappy and it was time for me to find my happiness...my peace.

So that is what I am doing. I am making myself happy (and my family happy as well because I will then lack misery) by doing what I want to do (within reason of course). I am working on the non-profit again, cut my hours down SIGNIFICANTLY at the 9-5, stopped bring work home, and am going to start taking some "me time." That means Mommy Monday's will be back...Family Friday's will reappear, and I am thinking about adding another feature. So stick around, stay tuned, and wait to see what I bring back. You know...outside of me of course :).

What would you do?

2011-02-10T13:35:00.000-08:00

So SD got in contact with me the other day. And was beyond...civil. He asked about MIB in the first text I'd gotten from him since the "slandering tirade" he went on last month.

He talked about being sorry for being a bad father and the he loved MIB and there were some issues that were keeping him from wanting to see her.
*sidenote: those issues I am going to keep private because they are some issues that we've dealt with for quite a while and due to the serious and sensitive nature of those issues, I am going to keep that information private*
So anyway, I talked to him that same night and we discussed those issues and for a change SD has admitted to his wrong doing, his issues, and is attempting to solve them. But let me tell you I am not going to play the fool though. When he's had these revelations before, I would usually be the one to get the help or assistance that he needed in order to take care of those issues (his current issues or other issues he has had in the past). But that's not going to be the case this time simply because I feel as if I've learned my lesson (at least in that situation).

So now he wants to see her, which is fine with me because that is what I've always wanted him to do. We've been discussing a meeting for the last couple of days and because of the snow and bitter cold, we aren't going to do it today but we will get together this weekend when the weather improves. And I'm telling my mother this and she was talking to MIB and asked her:
"Do you want to see your daddy?"
MIB: "Yeah!"
Mom: "You know your daddy is Mr. Lucas (Mr. Lucas is a made up boogie man that used to scare my cousins straight and we are now using him to scare MIB straight)."

Why would my mother tell MIB that her father is the boogie man? After all this she's been saying about him needing to see her and we have finally become cordial enough to start co-parenting this child and he feels like he needs to see her and my mother wants to basically throw shade and tell her that SHE is MIBs father and that SD is the boogie man?

I call bullshit on that and my mother ought to be shame (yes I went all south on you right there). I might talk about him with my mother and call him everything but a child of God when I'm pissed but in front of MIB I don't talk slick about him, I don't call him names, and I don't disrespect him. Certain things need to be found out on MIBs time (if he does right or not this time). I'm not defending him by any means but I have always had that belief that adults shouldn't discuss adult things in front of children and make adult like remarks about the other parent in front of children either.

I don't know if my mother is feeling threatened because he does want to be back in her life, or if she still doesn't trust him, or if she just hates him. But she does have to remember that SD is still her father (SD status or not) and I would never keep him from her unless her life was in danger. So now I have to go home and talk to her about the way she sticks her nose into certain aspects of my life when it comes down to MY daughter. I appreciate the help, but I would never intentionally put MIB in harms way or set her up for sadness like that.

So YCMs, in the case of SD vs Nani, what would you do and what do you suggest?

No poopoo?

2011-02-09T13:00:00.001-08:00

So I've been trying to potty train MIB for the last few months since she has been out of her cast. And so fast she has been doing a really good job with the peeing part but the poopoo part has been a serious challenge.
Since the training started, she picked up on telling me when she has to go pee. "Mommy I have to go peepee!" And we will go to the bathroom and she will do her business (sometimes while I'm doing mine) without a problem. But she always forgets to tell me when she has an urge to go poopoo.

And believe me I have tried everything to get her to do so. I have bribed her with money, toys, Dora, cartoons, and sweet treats. But hear I am still buying pull ups instead of panties. I've even tried to bribe her with pretty panties to convince her to go poopoo in the potty...but still no luck. Not even the promise of school can get her to do what she needs to do and I am out of options.

So, #YCMs, what are your potty training suggestions? How can I convince MIB to be a "big girl" and not a baby and go poopoo in the potty?

Sunday Savings

2011-02-06T15:58:00.000-08:00

I do believe that I have become slightly obsessed. (And by the way #GREENANDYELLOW!!!!!)

But I SWEAR I only buy stuff that I need and will use in the near future. Plus, I don't plan on having stockpiles of things (like 40 bottles of shower gel. Maybe four). So this is my booty for this week:

Walgreens:

1 Icy Hot No Mess vapor gel for kids
1 Advil Congestion Relief
1 Thermacare Hip/Back

Price before coupons: $20.81
Price after coupons: $11.81
Amount saved: $9.00
Coupon total: $4.00
Register Rewards: $8.00

1 Oral B Power Toothbrush
2 Smart Balance tubs of butter spread
1 package of Walgreen's brand plates
1 Crest 3D Whitestrips
1 Platex Gentle Glide tampons
1 loaf of bread

Price before coupons: $82.45
Price after coupons: $49.12
Amount saved: $33.33
Coupon total: $28.75

Pick n' Save

1 box of Reynold's Wrap Foil
2 boxes of Pop Secret Microwave Popcorn
2 cans of sliced peaches
2 bottles of Chi Chi's Salsa
2 boxes of Special K cereal bars
1 bottle of Frank's Red Hot Sauce
3 boxes of Jello
2 cans of Carnation Evaporated Milk
1 12ok of Scott Tissue
2 cans of Red Gold Tomatoes w/Green Chili
4 cans of Red Gold Tomatoes
2 1/2 lbs of bananas
1 bag of Red Delicious apples
2 cans of Pillsbury Grand Biscuits
1 tub of Kemp's Sour Cream
1 48 oz. pk of Frigo's String Cheese
1 bottle of Sunny Delight
16 containers of Yoplait yogurt
2 dz Eggland Best eggs

Price before coupons: $99.46
Price after coupons: $63.21
Amount saved: $36.25
Coupon total: $17.92

Actual price before coupons: $202.72
Amount after coupons: $124.14
Amount saved: $78.58
Savings of: 39%

Actual price before coupons to date: $500.44

Actual price after coupons to date: 272.35

Amount saved to date: $228.06

Savings of (to date): 46%

I have to say that I'm pretty impressed with myself so far. And I've been getting HEALTHY items (I know that I say this every time I post but it has to be known that you can eat healthy on a budget). How are your Sunday Savings going?

Desire Harris has been found

2011-02-01T11:57:00.000-08:00

Desire Harris went missing last week after leaving her elementary school early Thursday morning. Reports from JS Online states that Desire came back home on Sunday morning.

YCM is glad that Desire was reunited with her family and this was a happy ending. YCMs, thank y'all for helping tweet, email, blog, and whatever else you could about her.

Sunday Savings

2011-01-30T04:00:00.000-08:00

This week's Sunday Savings were REALLY good. I can't even complain.
This is over the entire week and hopefully y'all get inspired too. YCMs remember only shop (if you can) on double coupon days! There aren't any triple coupon days in Milwaukee (that I know of, I'll keep an eye out) but if I find it I'll let you know.
Pick n' Save has double coupons every Wednesday and Saturday (Saturday's until mid June). Sentry's has several different days. The one on Lisbon and Burleigh has double coupons on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and the one on 91st and Lisbon has them on Fridays and Wednesdays. Ok, here are my savings for the week:

Sentry's grocery store:

4 boxes of GoGurt
2 Town House crackers
8 packs of KoolAid
1 Pork Roast
2 lbs of green seedless grapes
1 Pack of Frigo Cheese Heads cheese sticks
2 boxes of Nature's Valley Granola Bars
3 containers of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls
2 4lb bags of C&H sugar
1 pack of Rhode's Warm n' Serve dinner rolls
1 bottle of Crisco Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Price before coupons: $58.10 (this is a very close estimate because I lost my receipt but I remember the coupon amount. I might be off by about ten or fifteen cents).
Price after coupons: $43.50
Amount saved and coupon total: $14.60
(Sentry's grocery store doesn't list how much you saved before coupons. So my total is just the amount based on the in store sales prices).

Walgreen's

2 packs of Walgreen's Training Pants
1 bottle of Walgreen's children's Ibuprofen
2 boxes of Walgreen's baby wipes
2 packs of cigarettes (for my mom)

Price before coupons: $44.55
Price after coupons: $30.99
Amount saved: $13.56
Coupon total: $4.00
Register Rewards: $3.00

Walgreen's

1 150oz container of All detergent

Price before coupons: $14.55
Price after coupons: $7.55
Amount saved: $7.00
Coupon total: $3.00
Register Rewards: $1.00

CVS

3 4pks of Ensure

Price before coupons: $23.97
Price after coupons: $9.98
Amount saved: $13.99
Coupon total: $10.99

CVS

1 bottle of Crest Mouthwash

Price before coupons: $5.71
Price after coupons: $2.21
Amount saved: $3.50
Coupon total: $2.00
ECB: $3.99

6 4pks of Ensure

Price before coupons: $47.94
Price after coupons: $11.97
Amount saved: $35.97
Coupon total: $29.97

Walgreen's

3 bottles of Suave body wash
3 containers of Suave deodorant

Price before coupons: $12.56
Price after coupons: $9.31
Amount saved: $3.25
Coupon total: $1.25
Register Rewards: $3.00

4 pks of Stayfree maxi pads

Price before coupons: $15.61
Price after coupons: $0.43
Amount saved: 15.18
Coupon total: $7.98

Actual price before coupons: $223.02
Amount after coupons: $115.94
Amount saved: $107.05
Savings of: 52% (I think I did my calculations correctly this time).

Actual price before coupons to date: $297.72

Actual price after coupons to date: $148.21

Amount saved to date: $149.48

Savings of (to date): 50%

A lot of these items were purchased because I had coupons that were going to expire and were done on double coupon days. I think I did damn good!

YCMs - How did your weekly Sunday Savings work out?

Desire Harris - Please help her family find her

2011-01-29T18:43:00.000-08:00

YCM family, there is another missing child in Milwaukee, WI.

Eleven year old Desire Harris was last seen on Thursday, January 27th outside of her elementary school Lancaster Elementary. She left the school on Thursday with a friend of hers and then they left each other on 42nd and Mill Road on Milwaukee's north side. Family members are extremely worried about Desire because she looks significantly older than her 11 years. If you have any information about Desire please contact Milwaukee Police department at 414-935-7405.

Desire is an African American girl, is 5ft 6in, and weights 155 pounds. She was last seen wearing a black jacket and light blue jeans. It is possible that she may be traveling to the Chicago area. But she may still be in the Metro Milwaukee area. Once again, please contact the Milwaukee Police Department at 414-935-7405.

New Life Solutions - Employment

2011-01-26T04:00:00.000-08:00

Parts 1 and 2 of New Life Solutions

Sometimes you just gotta make one for yourself.

So I have been a temp at my current job for more than four years. I can't be too upset because I do have a job and others aren't as lucky and would be more than happy to take my place. So I am going to keep my behind still and get my weekly check. But after a while, you start to get sick of doing the same thing day after day, week after week, month after...well hell y'all get the picture.

The thing that upsets me the most about my job is the fact that I do nothing. I mean I work (in accounting, still trying to figure out how in the hell that happened) but I do nothing that helps better the community. I do nothing that plays an important role in aiding, assisting, and educating the community. And that is why I have decided to create my own job instead of having others create one for me.

I have been wanting to go back into a position that deals directly with the community. I taught years ago, but I just can't go back into teaching. It's become too political, the parents are too violent, and the children are just too lost. I don't think my soul can take that, especially when you fight the administration more than disruptive students. But I do want to do something...I NEED to do something that makes a true difference within my community. Something that will help my family, neighbors, old students, future students.

That means that I need to really get my ass in gear. I have plans. I have ideas. I already have scholarships ideas ready for the people that I am targeting for my social program. I have already organized five or six different fund raising events in my dreams. I even got my speeches ready for when I become a member of OWN's Master Class. But since I'm not organized (despite the help I am getting from my non-profit coordinator) as I need to be, my dreams of becoming my own boss are way in the back burner. Hell they might be behind the stove.

I'm really not sure why I'm in such a funk as of late, why I can't get the fire back underneath my ass. I look at the success of others and wonder why am I not as successful. Then I remember it's because I'm not as proactive about the work that lies ahead of me. But I can't understand why though. I can't understand why my desire to help others doesn't fuel my drive to work at it. I wonder if there is something else that is preventing me from doing it (there actually is but I don't think I'm up to admitting that to cyberspace right now. Let's just say that I'm aware).

Ok so this post turned into a session instead of a NLS post. But then again, to see where my obstacles are at and to work on them tomorrow is the point of NLSs. It's not about making some bullshit promise to do something by June and then not make plans to maintain that promise. It is really about living life and changing along with the life that you live.

How are you using the NLS thought process to improve your employment situation?

New Life Solutions - Housework

2011-01-25T04:00:00.000-08:00

Part 1 of New Life Solutions

This right here is what I need in my life attached to Merry Maid contractor.

I told y'all before, I hate to clean. I hate washing dishes, I hate vacuuming, I hate sweeping. The only thing that I do like to do is: clean the bathroom. Why? Because I have a thing about going to public bathrooms and mine has to be clean at all times even if the rest of my house goes straight to shit. I'm tired of all the mayhem and foolishness (biggup Niecy Nash and Clean House)!

So while I was researching this topic on how to get better organized, to keep an organized home, and be that perfect soccer mom that only exists on television, I came across this site called Organized Home and I do believe that I am officially in love and am going to use as much ink and paper from my job to handle my business as possible.

Clean House is possibly my favorite home and garden type of show ever. Niecy and her big girl pills (a phrase that helped MIB take her big girl pills and eliminate her muscle spasms after her surgeries) make my day and give me life. But, watching her show gave me bittersweet feelings because I long for my house to be organized and clean like the ones they make over and I know that I can get mine that way. The bitter part of that pill? My house can look like the before version of some of those folks homes. It's not THAT bad, but bad enough.

So YCMs, I needed to make a plan. I was like "OK, I can't keep doing this. This is embarrassing and what am I teaching my child about how she should keep house?" And when I came across Organized Home, and started looking at their printables for organization (not just the cleaning part but home in a whole) I was smitten. I was ready. The mayhem and foolishness was about to be deuces (cue Chris Brown).

The first thing I did was join Organized Home's New Year Grand Plan Cleaning Challenge (GPCC). It actually started January 3rd, but better late that never. Basically what this plan does is break down your house based on rooms and gives you a printable checklist for jobs and job owners. For example, they have master bedroom and bathroom. Then it's broken down into what needs to be done, who's going to do it, and when the task has been completed. And instead of having all of these tasks be completed in a day or two (which is what I tended to find from some of the other sites I visited) Organized Home actually tells you to take a week. Give yourself a day to clean out just your dresser drawer. Then Tuesday, work on your closet. Thursday, handle under your bed. Saturday get your ass up early and take those clothes that you sorted on Monday and Tuesday down to the Goodwill or Salvation Army.

Now everyone might not have a guest room. Maybe you have a one bedroom apartment. Or you have a house and no porch. That's cool. Just print off the rooms that you need, print off extras if you have several bathrooms, or rename one of the pages (just in case Organized Home didn't happen to mention the one room you need to clean). Organized Home's particular plan is 14 weeks long, but once again, based on what rooms you do and don't have, your list's completion will be longer or shorter than the given 14 weeks.

Once I'm done with the GPCC, then comes the hard, daily work hence the New Life Solutions. I am going to have to maintain the clean that I just worked so hard to create and once again Organized Home saved my ass because they have even MORE printables to help me become the soccer mom of the year. Organized Home has another section called the Household Notebook and it is perfect, especially for YCMs. This section tells you what a Household Notebook is, how to make one, possible dividers for your notebook, printables for everyday things, holidays and hobbies.

I don't do hobbies that require organization so those printables mean nothing to me. The holidays one, I'll probably make one for my mom because that's her thing. But the printable notebook for the everyday stuff, yes ma'am. The everyday notebook stuff includes printables for daily to dos, seasonal chore check lists, weekly menu planners, inventory sheets, first aid check lists, travel checklists, directories (family yellow pages, restaurants, family numbers, etc.), and even dietary trackers (hmm...I can incorporate these into my NLS Diet). Once I get these printed off (oh and I will, sorry work y'all gonna have to take that loss) and really get things written down and organized; I think my life will go so much more smoothly. I will have more time for MIB, myself, and other little projects that I have running.

Eventually, I want to be the super organized YCM that everybody wants to be like and hates at the same time. I want to look like I have my shit together, a bin for everything, a container for everything and so on. But, I think I am going to just be happy with being able to have things clean and starting on my road towards organization.

YCMs - How are you going to use NLSs to get your housework under control?

Tiana Hill Update: She's OK

2011-01-24T14:59:00.000-08:00

...as ok as she will be for now.

Tiana Hill posted on her Facebook page that she was ok and no harm was brought to her.

I want to thank all of my Twitter, Very Smart Brothas, and Facebook folks, and everyone else who helped get the word out about Tiana. And I hope that, despite this looking like a runaway situation (LOOKS like, nothing is 100% until she is physically home with her family), this makes us take a look at how we operate in life and how we deal with our children. How we look after, raise, and monitor our children.

Tiana, I hope you come home to your family...

New Life Solutions - Diet

2011-01-24T04:00:00.000-08:00

Feeling good...

...well I want to be anyway. To start off my week of New Life Solutions (NLSs), I am going to talk about diet. I am not talking about lemonade cayenne pepper juice or the cabbage soup diet. I am talking about seriously learning how to eat, what to eat, and how to stay not only thinner but healthier.

I am part of #TeamChunk. And I love food. And in some cases that is not a good combination. I need to learn how to properly balance food, exercise, and good nutrition. This is something that I am going to have to do for the rest of my life because it is so easy (for me at least) to backslide.

I've had several instance where I was on track with healthy eating, healthy weight loss, and consistent exercise. But like so many of us, I turned around and gained it all back and just said to working out "EFF YO COUCH!" And of course I was unhappy during the lazy times of my life. Then after I had MIB, I was sick and lost 50 or 60 pounds (not much of that was pregnancy weight because I only gained 15 pounds while I was pregnant) and I felt better. But, instead of using that as a stepping stone to a healthier life, I put my muddy ass Rick James stacks and started stomping on a healthy lifestyle's white leather couch.

I am hoping that with my new belief in NLSs will help me stay on track and not beat myself up if I do fall off track. And that is one of the reason why I am joining Weight Watchers online.

I had started to join Weight Watchers before and just didn't. This was before the online version was available and inexpensive and the idea of sitting with a whole bunch of #TeamChunk folks expressing our addiction to Entenmann's Louisiana Crunch Cake with icy chocolate milk (don't judge me) didn't appeal to me. Plus, I'm a team player but I'm really not. So when Weight Watchers had their advertisement for free sign up for the beginning of the year, it took me a while to sign up for it but I eventually got my credit card out and handled business.

After looking through it (and taking advantage of their 7 day trial) I realized that Weight Watchers is the right choice for me, especially their online version for several reasons. The first being I don't have to go to weigh ins and meetings and whatnot. I can holla at my scale at home or work, put the data in on my scheduled online weigh in (that I choose), and be done with it. If I have questions, I can email someone (and I believe that there is a chat room or message board) and get my responses immediately without having to wait for someone else cry about how they ate a pint of ice cream in one sitting.

Another feature of Weight Watchers that I like is the build a recipe option. If you don't want to go shopping (or can't afford to go shopping at the moment) you can take a list of what you have in your fridge/cabinet, put them into the recipe builder, and it gives you a recipe and the points value of the recipe. For someone like me who has problems with creating a healthy menu that satisfies three extremely different palates in the same household, a recipe builder is a necessity. And it doesn't hurt that there are other recipes on the site that can be accessed by meal type, course, meat, veggie, and even more.

And since I'm going to be all gung-ho on the Weight Watchers plan, I need to stop eating fast food. I try to convince myself that I can find some items at McDonald's or Burger King that are halfway decent. A veggie burger or a salad isn't as bad as a Big Mac or a Whopper Jr. with cheese minus the onions. It's OK because there are veggies in a veggie burger and on a salad. See? Healthy! HEALTHY DAMN IT!

Yeah I'm just fooling my damn self. Those things aren't healthy. They are disguised as healthy. And then they lead you into trying to get something else. Oh I can go to Wendy's and get a half salad with a small frosty for five bucks. Or I can get a diet Coke (WHAT is the point of this?) with a Big Mac super sized value meal. No...nuh unh. I'm just gonna walk away from the fast food joints and walk into the grocery store and holla at the produce department.

Exercise is next. I am going to be straight up with y'all and say that I am going to start off simple and work my way up. I ain't doing PX90 or whatever next week. Thirty minutes on the treadmill, increasing speed/time/incline as I go. Slowly I will start to incorporate a variety of cardiovascular exercises and maybe weight lifting (for tone, not muscle) as I go along, but I am not going to put a whole lot on myself that will cause me to fail (because I was doing to much). And I need to rejoin the Y and holla at their on site trainer when I do decide to get into weights and whatnot. It's more within my budget.

And lastly and more importantly: I am not going to beat myself up for falling off track. It's pointless and will have me quitting and throwing away all of the progress I made. I have a child to be healthy for and to model healthy image for. Negativity and disappointment can only help create negative self images and possible eating disorders for me and MIB and that is something that I cannot have.

YCMs - How are you going to use NLSs to make changes in your diet?

Deidre

2011-01-22T21:15:00.000-08:00

I guess I'm in a posting mood tonight.

Friday morning I was at work and my mother called me at about 9. She told me that she had some bad news.
"What? What's wrong?"
I'm thinking it's something wrong with MIB.
"The found Deidre dead."
"Wait wha? What do you mean they found her dead? No momma no." Tears start welling up.
"Yeah they found her this morning. I talked to your uncle and he said that they brought him out in handcuffs with his wrist slit. I guess he was trying to kill himself and then they brought her out in a body bag."
"Momma no..." I'm really crying now.
"Are you going to be OK?" I hope to get this kind of calm during tragedy.
"Um yeah I'm gonna come home soon."

I got up and told my boss that I was going to go home and what had happened to Deidre. She said that I should leave now but I told her that I couldn't because my hands were shaking too much and I just wasn't in any shape to be driving. I went to the ladies room and sat down and the couch and I started having an asthma attack. The below zero weather with the shock of the news triggered one on. I got up and went to the nurses' office and they helped me calm down.

While they were trying to console me, I was telling them about what I knew so far. And then I started to tell them that it shouldn't have been her.

"Not Deidre. She never messed with anybody. She's a bit older than me and I didn't know her like I knew cousins my age but she was always cool. She loved MIB. She didn't deserve this. No one deserves to die, but when something like this happens to someone else you can almost understand. It's not right but you can see how it happened. But Deidre? DEIDRE?! No not her. Not her." I'm really ugly crying now.

We're still waiting on details about her death. At first we thought that she was stabbed to death but now we're hearing she was beaten to death and stories and rumors are going all around and no one knows for sure what happened and...it's fucking hard.

I miss Deidre. She was good to come over, drink, talk shit, love...she was family. I wish I knew her better than what I did. I wish I had spent more time with her than what I did. I'm glad MIB was able to meet her. Deidre was one of the good ones.

She didn't deserve this. God my soul hurts for her and her family. One day here, next day not. Just...damn Deidre.

RIP Deidre Ann Kelly

We love you and we miss you. One of the good ones.

New Life Solutions

2011-01-22T16:26:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I talked about axing New Year's Resolutions because (for me and probably for most of y'all) they didn't stick. So I created New Life Solutions because this is something that is constantly changing with one's life. I gave some brief information about each of the more important things I are constantly changing in my life and that also need daily not once a year attention.
For five days next week, I will get a lot more specific in how I plan on executing these New Life Solutions as well as preview/review the tools I will be using to help me make and continue said changes.

I hope you stop by, share what you are doing, and are inspired.

Thanks!

Tiana Hill - Please help her family find her.

2011-01-20T18:50:00.000-08:00

Hey YCMs. My friend's niece, Tiana Hill, went missing on January 18th. She's 15 years old and attends Washington High School in Milwaukee, WI. She went to school and made it to all of her classes but never came home. The first 48 hours are the most crucial in a missing persons case. Please help Tiana's family find her.
This is information from Tiana's family about what she was last see wearing:

My niece has been missing since Tuesday, Jan 18. Her name is Tiana Hill. She goes to Washington H.S in Milwaukee and she's a sophomore. She wears glasses.

Height: 5'2-5'3
Weight: 140lbs-150lbs
Hair color: black
Eyes: brown
Piercing: on the left side above her upper lip
Last seen wearing: Dark brown boots, dark blue jeans, brown polo shirt w/ black & red checker board vest & black coat.

If you have any information, please contact the Milwaukee Police Department, District #7 at 414-935-7272.

Sunday Savings

2011-01-16T12:12:00.000-08:00

I'm sure many of y'all watched "Extreme Couponing" on TLC a few weeks ago (I think it's still in heavy rotation) and were amazed (just like me) by the savings and borderline mental illness shown in the show. Well on my Sunday Savings, I want to describe to you how I did my own version of "extreme couponing" while not becoming a candidate for a mandatory 72.

Let me start by saying this: I am not an extreme couponer. I do not wish to walk into my local grocery store and walk out of there paying $2.00 for $800 worth of food. I do however, want to save on what I need to get for my family. Half is good. Hell in this economy a quarter off is good. So in order to do that I have to cut my coupons.

Every Sunday I get two papers (from the grandmother and her grandson who hold 51st and Keefe down like clockwork) and then I come home, clip coupons, and organize them. I did get a binder, pages covers, and business card holders to store my coupons in; just to keep them organized and at hand (because I have a bad habit of misplacing stuff). I downloaded the table of contents from The Krazy Coupon Lady (which is quite smart) and got to work.

So whenever I go shopping during the week I'll post what I bought, what I was supposed to have spent, what I saved, and what I had in coupons. It'll by my personal public tally.

Sentry Food Store:

2 packs of Sargento String Cheese
4 containers of Yoplait Greek Yogurt
Banquet Chicken Nuggets frozen dinner
2 Westpac bags of frozen vegetables
3 4-packs of Hunt's Snack Pack puddings
Bounce dryer sheets
5 boxes of Scott's kleenex

Price before coupons: $25.85
Price after coupons: $16.45
Coupons total: $9.40

CVS

Airwick Warmer
Lysol Disinfectant Spray
Airwick Freshmatic starter kit
2 Lysol Complete Clean Toilet Bowl cleaners
Airwick refill twin pack

Price before coupons: $34.30
Price after coupons: $15.26
Coupons total: $ 8.49
Extra Care Bucks: $10.00

I then turned around and bought:

Scott Mega Roll paper towels, 10 pk

Price before coupons: $14.55
Price after coupons: $.56
Coupons total: $10.00

In total I spent and saved:

Actual price before coupons: $74.70
Amount after coupons: $32.27
Amount saved: $42.43
Savings of: 43%

Not bad.

Maybe, if time permits, I'll do something a little more in depth and let you know of the best sales in Milwaukee and what coupons you need. But hell I'm having a hard enough time saving my own money. We'll see how that goes...

I'm a hustler...

2011-01-15T22:50:00.000-08:00

This is what I need.

I'm broke. Yep, I'm flat out broke; just like a majority of folks in the U.S. I got bills that are past due, I have to pay for gas that I can't afford, and I have a household to maintain on my tiny budget. I have been looking for jobs and it's hard out there (especially since I am in between professions right now). So, in order to seriously supplement my income, I had to get a side hustle.

Part of my NLS plan is to fix my financial situation. Or at least start on getting it comfortable. So that means not only do I have to spend less and save more; I also have to make more. And my current employer ain't making that happen so I have to make it happen. Getting a side hustle was the only feasible thing to do.

And I was a little apprehensive about doing so. I had started to do taxes during the season, but the time I had to devote to that was a bit too much. I was spending even less time with MIB and I wasn't able to concentrate on my personal project (that will hopefully eliminate the need for a side hustle) like I wanted to. So that idea was 86'ed real quick. But I still need extra money.

So after taking care of a bill for my mom, I was on my way home, see an Avon store, and I go in with the intentions of getting some bath paint for MIB. But five minutes later I'm sitting down at a table filling out paperwork to become a salesperson for Avon. $10. My driver's license. A few other small pieces of information and I'm a rep. And then I got to feeling nervous about it.

Why? Well, while I was talking to the ladies and filling out my forms, I was thinking about how I would be able to Tweet and Facebook my side hustle in order to promote it. Then I thought: what if I'm ignored? And I don't make any money? I mean what's the point of having a side hustle, using the internet to promote it, and then not make any money off of it? Then I got embarrassed.

Embarrassed because I have to take on a side hustle. Embarrassed because my friends and family will see that I have to do the hustle. Embarrassed because I'm not selling my own brand of things (like folks on my Twitter line do). Embarrassed to not have any responses to what I sell based on what effort I put into promoting it.

Then I got real. I realized that I'm not the only broke individual on my Facebook page or in my Twitter timeline. I'm not the only one with a side hustle (self branded or not). I'm not the only one selling Avon. But I AM the only one responsible for MIB and whatever it is that I have to do in order to take care of her and her needs, I will. I want to be able to send her to college and I shouldn't be embarrassed by making that happen by any means necessary.

If folks buy they buy, if they don't they don't. But I know that I'll be able to go to sleep at night knowing that I did and am doing everything that I can in order to take care of MIB.

By the way: buy.

Lessons "The Game" taught me

2011-01-13T21:23:00.000-08:00

Just like damn near every other Black person in the US (and parts of the Caribbean and some European locations once it was uploaded online) I watched "The Game" on BET Tuesday night. The hype (despite my lack of interest in it after it was cancelled the first time) made me want to watch the season premiere. Hell I NEEDED to watch the season premiere. Girl Melanie? Derwin? Janae? DJ?!

Yes. Girl Melanie was out of order when she swabbed DJ's cheek for a paternity test. And she was gully when she told Derwin the way that she did about his paternity. And Derwin was so ridiculously hurt by the truth. And Janae was offended by him questioning her. And Girl Melanie was feeling like a fool when DJ turned out to REALLY be Derwin's.

Damn. That was a lot in that one hour show on Tuesday. But despite the entertaining value of "The Game"s season premiere, there was a little bit of knowledge hidden in between the overacting, underacting, and Tasha Mack's wine flavored Black and Mild:

- Get the paternity test the minute the child comes out of the womb - Don't delay verification of the child's paternity. As we saw on "The Game," Derwin didn't take a test, Janae didn't offer the test, and Girl Melanie did it in the worst way possible: hook up style. Girl Melanie, do not ever get a intern to do the work of a lab. Damn, you could have at least called Maury. But seriously, it's best to get it over with so that the father/possible father has no bad feelings towards you, won't treat the child standoffish while always thinking in the back of his head if the child is his or not, or mistreating the child because of what might be. Take the test. Get the results. And, in real life, DON'T go to Maury. Folks who go on Maury to get paternity results are an embarrassment. To themselves. And to the world.

- Build a relationship with step mom and father - The way Janae, Derwin, and Girl Melanie interacted at the photo shoot during the opening of "The Game" was television gold, in my opinion. I mean they were cordial to each other (even after Girl Melanie tried to go off on her during the last season) and really interacted well. I think that's an ideal relationship because they are able to discuss the future of the child without acting like fools and the child is exposed to an adult, functioning, normal familial relationship. I was really impressed and if I get with someone with a child and I become a step mother I need to have a working relationship with the mom. It only makes sense and adds support and weight to "the village" mentality. And, it keeps folks from getting their asses kicked if the step parent does something out of pocket to the step child.

- Don't ever come between a man and his child. - I can sort of understand Girl Melanie's need to find out the truth about DJ, especially considering the fact that they didn't have a paternity test taken right after DJ's birth. But coming between a man and his child, a child he's knows is his duty to take care of (and he's not trying to get Brownie points to do so), is messed up. I mean it's just messed up. A man's seed is his guarantee of bloodline continuity. It's one of, if not the most important things a man does in his life. And he will get rid of you for trying to mess up their relationship. Girl Melanie was careless and heartless when she did that and had no concern for DJ whatsoever when she told Derwin. YCM's and SYCMs (Step Your Child's Mother) should know that a man's legacy is nothing to play with. Don't do it. Even if the kid is bad as hell.

- Find a cousin or best friend's sister to do your child's hair. Or keep them out of hairstyles you know you have no business doing. - "The Game" has a serious budget for hair...well maybe semi-serious. The point I'm trying to make here is that everyone else was lined up, shaved up, SCurled up, juice and berried up, lacefronted up, and Kelly'ed up (Duran Duran'ed up?). But little DJ's cornrows were ATROCIOUS. I mean Janae needs my 10 WW up her tail for that. Now me,I can't do hair. Well let me take that back: I have three signature styles that I do for MIB. Box braids for beads, puffs, and two strand twists. That's it. The more intricate, stylish, difficult hairstyles I leave to my cousin Kim because I have no skills. And more importantly I recognize lack of said braiding skills. Because I refuse to let MIB go out in the world looking like who knows what. If I can get my hair did (I'm looking at you ALL Janae, Derwin, and Girl Melanie) then my baby's hair can be did too.

So those were the lessons learned while watching "The Game" earlier this week and now it's your turn to share the knowledge "The Game" dropped on you...

Mommy Monday

2011-01-10T15:09:00.000-08:00

To tell the truth, I almost didn't post anything today. Especially after yesterday's rant regarding SD and his text messages to me Sunday morning. But instead of not posting and being irritated, I decided to learn from that and make it into a Mommy Monday.

Instead of New Year's Resolutions, I decided to make New Life Solutions because they are continuously reflective and changing...for the better of course. And after yesterday's episode, I honestly need to make a NLS. Immediately.

I haven't written in my journal in ages. And in ages I mean over two years and I used to be a serial journaler (is that a word? If not, it's the English language we make up words all the time) back in the day; sometimes writing four times in one day. And some can consider blogging a journal entry, but at the end of the day there are some things that you are afraid to tell others...and yourself.

Instead of pouring out EVERYTHING to you all I am going to keep a little bit to myself and do some internal reflection and honestly express feelings in order to create change. Not that I'm lying to y'all because believe me what I write is the truth. But, there are somethings that are so internalized and so painfully private that, in my opinion, can only be written, dealt with, and manifested into positivity in privacy.

Journaling is a way for me to express those feelings, thoughts, emotions, etc., without hearing backlash from others, embarrassing myself, or becoming completely vulnerable. It gives me a chance to really free myself from all the nonsense that I have going on in my head that others wouldn't understand. And to tell the truth, there are things some of y'all don't need to understand.

So as part of my Mommy Mondays and NLS, I propose that you all take an hour to express your innermost thoughts, cleanse yourself of them, and then reflect on older thoughts. Read last week's entry and see how you feel about that after you've allowed yourself some time to step away from it and look at it with fresh and older eyes. Your eyes may only be a week old, but a lot can happen in a week.

Tonight, when the baby is sleep or you get a moment to relax in the tub or while your MIB is in their room playing take that time write about your life, reflect on your life, and change your life. NLS.

So let it be written.
So let it be done.

Sperm Donor...This Blog's for you!

2011-01-09T14:22:00.000-08:00

So this morning I got a text from SD telling me and my mom to stop slandering his name. Hmm..that's funny because I don't know anyone who knows you. But, if I AM saying something to someone that knows you then maybe I'm telling the truth.

Let's go over some logistical information shall we? I haven't talked to SD in over three months and had not had a contact number for him at all. I know where his sister stays and have his mother's number but tell me this: Why in the HELL should I have to go through your family to get in contact with you? Anyway, when he does get into contact with me, he calls me restricted, doesn't give up a contact number and always asks for some ass. Then, we won't hear from him for another two to four months. SD: Am I getting this right? Because the next time you call or text I want to make sure what I'm saying is accurate.

So his text this morning states that mother and I have been slandering his name. We don't know anybody that knows you to slander your name. So that got me to thinking: what if he reads YCM? Do you think? Let me get my Google/FB/Twitter CSI on and assume that he could be estalking my FB page. It's possible...because that's the only way he could know that I'm saying anything about him and what he is or isn't doing. And, he name has NEVER been mentioned. His, mine, MIB...never mentioned. But my government name is on my FB so I'm going to assume that's where he could have gotten it from. But he won't tell me exactly what it is.

Why not? If you are accusing me of doing something then I have every right to know what I'm being accused of. That's how it works in the court of law SD...you know. You.know. So it's only fair that you give me that information...because I can only make assumptions. I have no idea as to what you are talking about. Did he give me that info? No. Did he try to have a discussion about whatever? Yeah, right. Instead, he told me to "stop playin stupid," "lose [his] damn number," and that he doesn't "have time for drama believe that." Accurate so far SD?

So, I went IN on him this morning. But before I tell you that, let me preface it with this: I hate confrontation. I really do. Arguments, fussing, texting wars...all of it I cannot stand. I'm a peacemaker by nature (Virgo) but once I do reach my limit, it.is.over. And that's what happened this morning.

I told him that I had no problem owning up to what I said and I wasn't scared to admit it. Then I proceeded to tell him about how he talked about what he COULD have done instead of doing it. I'm the one doing all of the work with MIB (taking her to physical therapy, doctor's appointments, potty training her, working to feed, clothe, and shelter her, helping her walk after surgery, everything) and he's done little of nothing to help me. Now he did come to the hospital after her first surgery and helped me get everything in the car and home so I will admit to that. But afterwards, it was a long while before I was able to talk to him and I think he maybe saw her one or two more times. Other than that, the rest of the labor and legwork was on my hands.

I then proceeded to tell him that just because we have nothing to do with each other that doesn't mean that it should interfere with him being her father. Are you going to let her suffer? It's bullshit and I will and have called him on it. And while I'm at it, I'm assuming that what I supposedly said (because remember y'all I have NO IDEA as to what I supposedly said, what my mother supposedly said, and who said it to him) it must have struck a nerve because if it didn't he wouldn't have been so defensive (remember he was the one who said he could be a better father and recognized it. Why get mad if you realize the truth?).

So this is slander. Me telling my story about what goes on in me and MIB's life with and without him and what he does. This isn't heresy. This isn't fiction. This is real life. This is the real world (cue MTV). After all of the holidays and birthdays that you've missed and now I'M the bad guy for saying what happened? Yeah whatever. And more importantly I'm sick of tiptoeing around you and your feelings to try to make our relationship as parents (and nothing more) functional, cordial, and as normal as possible for MIB. But, you SD want to text me at 8:46 in the morning about some ridiculous stuff that you said yourself is true instead of coming to see your child.

I'm not going to be a bitch. I refuse to because it's not in my nature (for the most part). But I am not going to sit down and allow myself to be the bad guy because your feelings are hurt about some shit that YOU aren't doing anydamnway (did y'all like that country slang? I did).

So after the texting went on he called me, and told me that I needed to lose his number, go through familial third parties to get information about MIB to him, and (oh and this is the kicker) that this WHOLE conversation was about me. Oh really? Well since you think it is all about me we can do that: I've been giving my 100% and your 100% since day ONE and asked you for TWO things for her and only got one. I've been getting up at four am to go to work so I can get my 8 hours in so I could leave at 1 to make sure she's at her doctor's appointments on time or taking vacation days to get her to those appointments. I'm the one who wakes up at 3 am when she cries out in pain and I have to go rub her hips and give her "big girl pills" so that she can rest easily throughout the rest of the night. I'm the one what carried her when she was in her cast back and forth to her bed, wheelchair, living room, my room, and her Nani's room. I'm the one who has to watch her crawl on the floor because she's on so much pain and can't walk. So there...that's how it's about me.

You say I slander you, you say I'm telling lies. Tell me what part of this game is a lie?

And in the words of the infamous Antoine Dodson: Run and tell that.

Happy New Year...Now what?

2011-01-08T17:09:00.000-08:00

Happy 2011!

Every year we make a big deal about New Year resolutions and I know that I'm notorious for making them as well. So last month I had my list ready and was on Twitter and someone said something that made me change my mind. This Twitterer said: if you weren't doing it in 2010, what will make me think you are going to do something different in 2011?

OK so I think that was more than 140 characters, but the point that person made resonated highly with me. Why will one day automatically eliminate all of the messed up stuff I did the year before and why will that one day make the new year somehow "better?"

It won't. And that's why I refuse to believe in New Year Resolutions anymore. I am officially coining: New Life Solutions. New Life Solutions will be reflective and fluid, with no set dates to make changes. New Life Solutions can be brought to life at anytime and shut down whenever it needs to be. And with that, here are my New Life Solutions (NLSs):

1 - Diet - I am #TeamChunk all day. But I know that I need to be in #TeamHealthy simply because MIB needs me for a long time and I want to see her have babies one day. So I'm going to holla at Weight Watches online (cue JHud) and get it going. Soon I'll have to get a personal trainer (you know the free one at the Y that comes with you membership?) and handle it. This is a perfect example of NLSs because at my age (almost 35) there is no way that what I do now will work for me five years from now. Ongoing change will make me master this game.

2 - Housework - I.hate.to.clean. Yep, I said it. And with a 2 1/2 year old I am constantly cleaning: living room, laundry, her room, my room, the bathroom, the kitchen. And I hate washing dishes more than anything else in the world. So I need to figure out a schedule to keep things together, in order, functional, and livable. I'm not quite sure how that's going to happen, but I'll get it together soon. And I know that once MIB is tall enough to reach the sink: no more washing dishes! (say that in Mommy Dearest voice and then throw a bottle of Dawn dish washing liquid to the floor)

3 - Employment - So...I hate my job. Everyone says this right? But, I am fortunate enough to have a job and health insurance (I'm look at y'all GOP) and it's slim pickings out there. I am however ready to get my grown woman on and be my own boss. I'm in the process of starting a non profit and it is hard as all get out. This is a legacy that I want to leave MIB (if she's interested in doing it when she's of age) and it's going to take all that I have to make it happen. Definitely ongoing because I'll have to find a way to balance parenting with work with social life (which is non-existent right now and is the perfect segue for...)

4 - Social life - (I know you like how I did that right there) I don't have one. Haven't had one for two and a half years (I'm lying...I'm just using MIB as an excuse for me not getting out there and settling for SD. I'm trifling I know). I have been nervous about finding someone else to deal with simply because of MIB. Not that she'd be a hindrance to me finding someone but I do worry and am cautious about who I bring around her. How to catch a predator is REAL. Perverts are REAL. Child molesters and abusers are REAL. And I am a REAL YCM and will cut one if they put their hands on MIB. Since the boogie man is real, I have to be real careful about who I bring around her. But, I am ready to get started on putting myself back out there. This is another great example of NLS because as I get older, I start to discover more about myself, who and what I want in a man, and what I will and won't put up with. It's an ongoing process.

5 - Finances - My platform for NLS is going to be: "The rent is too damn high because my paycheck is too damn low." Even though I don't have my dream job and I'm not getting paid enough to do ANYTHING, it doesn't mean that I can't save money to protect my financial future. This will include couponing, eliminating eating out, figuring out how to cut down on utilities, and possibly even getting a more gas conscious vehicle. Some of these things I am able to do immediately, but others will take a while to build up in order to show any improvement/gains. Twenty-five bucks a week in a savings account, shopping only on double coupon days, turning off the lights when I'm no longer in the room, finally getting MIB potty trained (Yes Lord)...I think I can make it work.

That's all I've got so far. As I live my life, items will drop off and others will hop on. What are your New Life Solutions and how will you execute them?

There is no such word as "can't"

2011-01-06T19:37:00.000-08:00

People usually say "from the mouths of babes." I am now a believer in the newly coined phrase "from the actions of babes."

Yesterday...well really for a few weeks now, I have been in a funk about my life and where it has taken me. I have been depressed because my nonprofit work isn't where I wanted it to be at this time, I'm still working at a dead end job, the one job interview that I had yesterday isn't going to be, and the list goes on and on. I was sitting around, feeling sorry for myself because shit wasn't happening the way I wanted it to. I even called into work today because I was so depressed that I couldn't force myself out of the bed to get ready for work.

I was so depressed and so set on staying in the bed and in a funk today that I actually considered not taking MIB to her physical therapy appointment (and was going to do it until I found out the actual time of her appointment). But I got up, got her dressed, threw something on, and took her to Children's Hospital.

During her physical therapy, MIB's two and a half year old self worked it OUT. She had a Spica cast on for almost three months, just had it removed a little over a month ago, and has only been walking again (without assistance) for two and a half weeks. The exercises and therapy that she did not only amazed the therapists but myself as well.

She squatted, walked, climbed stairs, balanced herself (which is really difficult for her because she has no muscle tone), jumped on trampolines, climbed the ladder on the slide...she just did everything. And every time the therapist thought that she wouldn't be able to she did it. Did it twice. Did it thrice.

And while watching her do these things I realized that she doesn't understand the concept of the word "can't." MIB doesn't understand limitations, obstacles, or roadblocks. She does understand that she can do whatever she wants to and allows nothing to stop her. As adults, we understand can't, roadblocks, obstacles, limitations, and the like and we allow those things to keep us from doing what we want and need to be doing.

Not only do we see what keeps us from doing what we want to do, we use it as an excuse. Adults use excuses all the time to not do things and it's pretty sad that we have "more common sense and book sense" than babies and they are a thousand times smarter than we are because they don't let shit like that get in their way. They don't allow it to stop them: they see it, acknowledge it, and figure out a way to bypass that mess instead of allowing it to hinder their plans.

I'm glad that I'm going to MIB's physical therapy because she is showing me how the word can't doesn't exist in her life. That child is always teaching me something. I love it.

Manners

2010-11-15T17:16:00.000-08:00

I was at the grocery store the other day and I was getting something from the hot food section. The woman behind the counter was asking me about something and I responded "no ma'am."

I got a funny look.

Then she asked me something else. Again, I responded with respect: "yes ma'am."

Another funny look.

When did responding to elders with "ma'am" or "sir" become disrespectful? When did we loose our manners?

MIB is 2 and 1/2 now and she already knows to say "yes/no ma'am/sir" to any elder in her presence. When something is given to her she says "thank you." When she doesn't want something she says "no thank you." When she asks for something she ends it with "please." Every.time.

My parents are from the south and they raised me to respect my elders before I even understood what an elder was. I just knew that if you were taller than me and older than me I better "ma'am" and "sir" you. Because if I disrespected you, my butt would be disrespected. I carry that to this day and if I see anyone that I might think is older than me you best believe that I'm gonna "ma'am" and "sir" them. It's not a choice, it's second nature.

So when the lady behind the counter giving me my jalapeno poppers looked at me like I was crazy when I "ma'am" her, I didn't know how to act because usually people nowadays appreciate respect like that.

I don't know what happened to my generation where terms of respect are looked at as if they were old, or the person saying it was bullshitting or whatever the case maybe. I am trying to figure out when did a man opening a door for a woman wasn't a gesture to get in your pants but a gesture of chivalry. When did respect become a bad thing?

And when will respect become a trend again? When will our parents and our peers and our children begin to recognize the power of respect and the power of being respected? I hope that as MIB grows into a woman that she sees how far a respectful "yes ma'am" can take her and how respected a "yes ma'am" can make her feel.

How are you teaching your children to respect their elders and themselves?

A mother's unconditional love

2010-10-28T00:12:00.000-07:00

I seriously thought that my love for her was unconditional until I looked at her in her hospital room bed the other day.

Everyday when I look at my child, despite what hell she's gotten herself into, I tell her how much I love her. I let her know that I'd give her the world if she asked me to and would protect her from all that I can. I'd hug her, read her bedtime stories, sit through her made up bedtime stories, sing to her, fuss over her, teach her, console her, color with her, learn with her...and I thought that was unconditional love.

But when I saw her in her hospital room bed, I realized that I was giving her a lot of love...not necessarily unconditional.

Her bed was raised really high because the nurse and I has just finished changing her diapers and I didn't put her all the way down yet because I was washing my hands. I looked over at her and saw her little body laying there, not being able to move. Her right foot was kicking up and down and you saw the dry skin still flaking off of it because of dryness that had occurred when she had her first cast on. Her left leg was this big pink log with a salmon and white foot wiggling back and forth.

She was still laying down flat in her bed and she was trying to look over her cast to watch tv and she had Shreky and Little Baby by her sides. Then, she looked over to me and just smiled...and I just broke. This huge wave of sadness and emptiness rushed over me and I realized the world that I brought my child into. I thought about what I needed to protect her from, what more I needed to do for her...just all of these thoughts came into my head about her and who she is and who she is to me and what she means to me. And I realized that I wasn't doing enough for her.

I don't know why I feel like what I'm giving her isn't enough. I guess all parents go through this stage where they feel like they could do more or be more. Maybe I'm at that stage. Maybe it was the hormones. Maybe it was seeing her looking all helpless and defenseless since she's unable to walk right now. Maybe I COULD be doing more for her as a mother.

But then again, never stopping doing what I can does make my love for her unconditional.

No conditions...

The wait Part II

2010-10-25T08:52:00.000-07:00

So today is MIB's second surgery and I certainly hope that her luck is better than mine this morning.

I had planned out everything for the day: I was going to get up early and get dressed, wake MIB up later so that she wouldn't be too hungry before we got to the hospital, get my mom up and dressed and ready to go, pick up my aunt on our way to the hospital, and then finally we'd get there.

Shit apparently doesn't happen as planned.

Last night my aunt said that she wasn't going to be able to come to the hospital with us because she was really sick. Her daughter was supposed to have brought her medicine from the pharmacy last night but wasn't able to. So she decided to stay home and get her meds this morning and she said that she would see me later this afternoon. Ok. Cool. That's one less stop for me to make.

Then this morning I got up a little later since I didn't have to pick my aunt up and started getting ready. I got cleaned up, the rest of my clothes of the dryer for the stay, packed up a few last minute items and was getting my mother up so she could get ready. Of course she couldn't go because she wasn't feeling well. After promising me that she would be able to go with me this morning.

I understand that my mother is sick and can't control what is going on with the weather to make her feel sicker or whatever but this is the second time that she wasn't able to be with me while I waited for MIB to get out of surgery and I feel...well hell I'm pissed off. I know that she has her thing going on but I really wish I had my momma out here with me because right now I'm by myself and it sucks ass knowing that I have to wait out here by myself. Well someone is going to be out here with me soon (my "sister" and her boyfriend) but dammit I wanted my mommy.

Anyway, after I found out that she couldn't go I just started getting our stuff together so we would be able to make it to the hospital on time. I packed her wheelchair, my overnight duffel bag, and my laptop bag in the car before taking her out to the car and putting her in her car seat. I brought her out, locked her in, pulled out the driveway, then thunka thunka thunka.

WTF? WTF is thunka thunka thunka? Ok I got a flat tire. No problem; there is a gas station right up the street and they have an air pump and I can handle that and only be a few minutes late. Then the car started to wobble all funny. W.T.F?! I get to the gas station and there are literally HOLES in my fucking tire. Y'all hear me? HOLES. As if someone came to my car in the middle of the night, got a damn switchblade and started cutting up my tired. I mean who in the hell would cut up my tire? And this wasn't an explosion sort of thing...well at least it doesn't look like it to me. Either way, cut up or not, I'm pissed.

So then I'm calling everybody: best friend, cousins, even sorry ass SD. No one could come out to help me at all. So I'm standing here on the side of my car, on the phone, chain smoking, worrying about how I'm going to get my baby to the hospital and all of the people that I've come through for WHENEVER they needed me couldn't come through for me when I needed them. So now I'm stressed, pissed, and hurt.

I called the hospital to let them know that I was going to be late after calling for a cab. They said that it would be fine and that I should keep in contact with them just in case we weren't able to make it there in enough time. So after getting off the phone with them, I started waiting on the cab (after negotiating with the gas station owners to let me keep my car there until I could get someone to take care of it for me).

15 minutes. No cab.

I called them back: "Um yeah. No cab. You said 15 minutes."
Them: "Yeah...because you requested a van (because of MIB's wheelchair) it's going to take a little bit longer. But if they aren't there in about 10 minutes give us a call back"
Me: "OK..."

15 minutes AGAIN. No.cab.

"Yeah I'm waiting for the cab and he's still not here. I need to get to the hospital and I need a cab 40 minutes ago."
Them: "OK what we can do is send you a regular car cab. Since the wheelchair folds up it should fit in the trunk with no problems."
"OK how long will THAT take?"
"Ten minutes tops"
"O.K."

12 minutes later. No.fucking.cab.
"I just ordered a cab at so and so west so and so...where is the cab?! I NEED to get to the hospital so that my child's surgery won't be rescheduled."
"Ma'am let me give the driver a call to see where he's at, ok?"
"Yeah, fine."
"Thanks...one second."

Bullshit elevator music. Waiting. No cigarette. Migraine.

"Thanks. He's two blocks away and should be there any second ok?"
"Finally...thanks."
Click.

So he gets there about two minutes later and then I start putting everything out of my van into his car. I give him the location and realize three blocks out that I forgot her Princess Frog blanket. We had to go back to the gas station, I had to get her blanket and we were finally on our way.

Now mind you, I hadn't planned on spending any extra money than the little $10 I had for meal tickets while I was staying overnight with MIB. Once we got to the hospital I'd spent $35 physical dollars (cab ride plus meal ticket money) and about $80-200 mental money (cab ride, meal tickets, tire, tire change, tow truck, possible tire rim).

Thankfully we got here just in enough time to get her registered and to have her surgery (her surgeon is really the best. I couldn't have asked for anyone better). I made sure that I talked to him about the issues she had last time a few days after her surgery and it's now understood that she won't be going home until she's had both a bowel movement and proper urination instead of just a proper urination.

MIB should be out shortly...hopefully everything went well with her surgery, there were no complications, and that I have a car when I finally get someone to it.

My baby is going to school...

2010-10-20T23:44:00.000-07:00

...next year.

Tomorrow morning I am taking the first steps to getting MIB into K3 here at MPS (Milwaukee Public Schools) and I cannot BELIEVE that we've reached this step in our lives. Just yesterday she was throwing up all over my shirt and now she's getting ready to pack her bookbag for school.

I am looking into a Montessori school for her and the local one (which is five minutes away from my house! Biggup neighborhood schools) is looking like a winner. One of my best friends works there, my other best friend's son has been going there since he was in K3, and I have two cousins who have been there since K3 (the oldest is actually attending the best public high school in MPS as we speak).

Earlier this evening I was checking out the stats of the school on GreatSchools.com and liked what I saw a little bit. The scores for the younger kids (as far as reading and math are concerned) are really good but I did note a decline once they got older. Also, I didn't like the scores for language arts at the school for one of the higher grades (43% for one of the middle school grades). But I did get a chance to research the teachers and was quite impressed with their credentials.

Almost all of the teachers in the K3-K5 categories have advanced degrees (masters) and extensive Montessori training as well. The principal holds several degrees and has been in the business of education for quite a while. The teacher turnover rate seems to be pretty low because most of the teachers in the K3-K5 category have been there since 1996 or 1997; which is good because they know the school, the students, and the law of the land.

I have to finish getting my list of questions written down for the principal tomorrow, despite the fact that GreatSchools.com and the school's website answered most of the questions I have. I'd prefer honest answers from the people that work there day to day. A website can only tell me so much.

Since I have so many folks that work or have kids there, I pretty much know that I am going to send MIB to that school next year. Once I get these five (or 15) questions answered by staff and administration, I'll be making plans for my next move in my child's academic career: taking over the PTO.

I love my hair!

2010-10-17T19:50:00.000-07:00

This is to all of the YCMs who want to raise napptural, beautiful, confident girls. This is to the YCMs who want little girls with healthy, high self esteem. This is to the YCMs that want their littleg irls to be able to make through middle school and high school with a positive self image. This is for the YCMs and MIBs that love their hair:

YMM

2010-09-29T10:50:00.000-07:00

Your Mother's Mother...

I was watching House earlier tonight and there was this side story with this old man who was 82 and his dad was 102. They went to House and each of them was telling House to tell the other that the father needed to be in a nursing home. The dad wanted to be in a nursing home because he felt like the son was nursing and doting over him entirely too much. The son wanted the dad in the home because he couldn't handle taking care of his father anymore and thought that his dad would take the news better from a doctor than from him.

This story reminded me of a conversation that I had earlier with my mother. We were talking about her sister that passed last week and how her daughters didn't take care of her as well as my mother thought that they should. Then she got to talking about her health and how she felt like it was deteriorating more quickly than she wanted it to.

"I'm thinking about moving into a nursing home myself."

That statement there caught me totally off guard. And it made me sad.

My mother lives with me and it's a win-win situation for the both of us. She takes care of MIB while I'm at work and I'm able to help her with the things that she needs. Also, it's a pretty good financial situation for the both of us given the current economic crisis that's going on. And I will admit that I have been getting a little tired and irritated that I've had to take care of her and MIB.

But when she said that, it really started to put a lot of things in perspective for her situation and my future situation. And it got me to thinking about MIB as well.

I'm an only child and am very close to my mother. After my daddy died over ten years ago, we've created an new bond between the two of us that was 100 times stronger than the one that we had. For a while we stayed apart but after I had MIB and our financial situations and her health situations declined, we decided that we should move in together.

It's been a long, hard road. I feel stressed because I've had to be a mother to both my child and mother. It's been hell that I feel like a child in my own home even after I became a mother because I have to remember to show respect towards her and my privacy has been whittled down to zero. Also, since I am an only child, I'm the ONLY one that she can count on, turn to, ask for help, and depend on. As much as it can stress me out, I do it because I love her.

Lately, I've been thinking about getting a place for me and MIB away from my mom. Not too far away but the space is needed. I would have to create a schedule to be with my mom and to make sure that she's doing all that she's supposed to (taking her medicine regularly, eating properly and regularly, things like that) but in the back of my mind and at the pit of my stomach there is this gnawing feeling that basically says "you can't do that, she needs you."

And, as an African American woman, we normally don't put our parents in nursing homes. We don't "put our problems on" someone else. I don't know if it's financial, loyalty, or what...but that is something that I believe is done less in our community than in others.

I told her after she made that comment that she shouldn't be in a nursing home...I mean for what? So she can get sicker? So she can start feeling more helpless and less wanted? I've always told my mother, and I mean this 1000%, that I would never put her in a nursing home. I'd find a nurse to stay here with her and me instead of sending her somewhere that could be potentially dangerous or harmful to her mentally and physically. She will never have to worry about that because she's my mommy and I've taken care of her before and will continue to take care of her until the day she makes transition.

But, going back to my post the other day about being a superwoman, am I taking on too much? And if not, am I really doing all that I can to take care of her? And why do I feel guilty about not being able to take care of her in the way I feel that she needs to be taken care of? And who takes care of me? Who will take care of me when I get to be in her position? Will MIB be as concerned about my health and well being as I am about her Nani?

My mother had difficulties with her pregnancies because she was quite sick and small and that is why I'm an only child. MIB is an only child by choice. Do I want to put this burden on her? Am I putting a burden on her? Because of the way that she is being raised, she will know and understand the importance of taking care of loved ones; but she is also seeing the toll that it is taking on me and the stress that I'm under because of it, despite how important it is for me to do it and how much I want to do it.

I've made my decision to not have anymore children (another day, another post) but I also made the decision that my child will only have her to count on if I ever get sick or need assistance in my everyday life. But then again, the decision not to have anymore kids is also good for MIB because I won't be even more stressed with three people to wholly take care of and I can stay in good health so hopefully she won't be at the crossroads like I am now about taking care of my mother.

I'm getting to that age where I do have to really start worrying about my future and how it's going to be lived. I need to really start focusing more on my health, lifestyle, habits, relationships, and other things that will affect the outcome of my golden years. And since I'm at that stage in my life and have a child now, the picture is a lot less clear and a lot more incomplete.

Now I'm thinking about me going into a nursing home.

Mommy Monday

2010-09-27T15:07:00.000-07:00

So last week I did Family Friday, this week it's Mommy Monday.

This is the second draft of my entry. I started to write about this local coffee shop that I like to frequent but I thought that it was more important to detail WHY mommies need time to themselves.

Mommy Monday was a thought of mine after Family Friday to give YCM's ideas on what they can do to spend quality time with their babies (while on a limited time budget) and things they can do when they are spending quality time by themselves.

But I believe that the why is the foundation to the what.

I usually work about 40-50 hours a week, commute 5-8 hours a week (depending on construction and what time I leave work), run errands, take care of MIB and my mother, cook, clean, help take care of other family members, do laundry, work on my writing, work on my "project," and deal with my sperm donor. Everyday. Just like the rest of the YCM's that (hopefully) visit this site. And like the rest of y'all the only time I get to myself is when I go "read" (aka sit on the throne) or take a shower. And dammit I need more time than that and it needs to be more meaningful than something that I HAVE to do everyday.

Since MIB had her surgery and I've been staying home to take care of her, I have had even LESS time to myself that I had when I was driving an hour plus to work everyday. Now I REALLY don't have anytime because of her needs, my mother's needs, and some of the other things that I listed that I have to do everyday. And because of this I am SPENT. I'm not going to bed until 2 or 3 in the morning, am still getting up at 6 or 7 in the morning, am not able to take a nap, and can't stay caught up with my housework to save my life (despite being home almost all day).

That revelation of how little time I have made me realize that I need to take time for myself and I cannot be a damned superwoman. I saw on my cousin's Facebook status that she's a superwoman look at the 'S' on her chest and I'm looking at that like "well hell that ain't me at all." And I'm not ashamed to admit it either.

I shouldn't have to be everything, others shouldn't expect everything from me, and I need to know when to leave it all alone. When you go to work, you expect a little bit of vacation time and cannot wait for that time away from your job to reboot, regroup, and recharge. Many believe that being a mother is a 25/8/366 job so why shouldn't we expect a couple of vacation days? At least a couple of vacation hours?

I don't need to be burnt out, I cannot afford to be burnt out because I do have people that depend on me and what I do for them. But in order for me to stay on the right track, I do have to take a few vacation hours to be by myself, to get away from my "job," and to relax a little bit. Even if it's for an hour...hell if I could get a weekend I'd really be getting into something.

I don't want to lose my mind. I don't want to be the YCM that snaps out for no reason at her child. Or the YCM that ignores her baby because she needs me and I am sick of being needed for something. I want and need to be there for her 1000% percent and if taking 1% of my time to be with me is what I need to give it to her then so be it.

So to all of you YCMs (married, single, in a relationship, whatever) I encourage you to stop being superwoman, stop being the fabulous YCM that you already are, and just be YOU. Make a plan to be you, find someone to send the little ones to, make arrangements/appointments, and give yourself a reprieve.

You and your little ones will thank you in the morning.

Family Friday

2010-09-24T09:29:00.000-07:00

OK...so I decided to start this new weekly post called "Family Friday."

I have almost no time to really sit and spend quality time with MIB. Despite the fact that I'm working from home for the next several months while she recovers from her surgery, I am still telecommuting, running errands, cleaning, cooking, and a million other things which makes me even busier than I was when I was driving a half an hour to work.

But I know that I need to be spending more time with MIB...or should I say more quality time with her. So on Fridays, I want to put something together that we (me, MIB, and Nani) can do together. So this Friday's Family Friday event will be: coloring.

Yeah it sounds really simple, but this is something that this child LOVES to do. Even if it is just scribbles. Later this afternoon, I am going to Walgreen's to get her this little Disney lap desk that has all of these arts and crafts pieces included. It has crayons, markers, glitter glue (she won't get that), scissors (she won't get those either), stickers, stencils, and a coloring notebook.

While we color, I am going to help her with things that I feel are important to her future but also fun for her to do as well. Even though we've started writing a little bit, I am going to get her to do that a little bit more with her new crayon/marker set. We are going to write her name, my name, Nani's name, the alphabet, and numbers. I am going to let her decorate the paper that we write all of that information on, put some contact paper on it, and hang it up on her wall.

I know this is really simple, but y'all have to understand that I am not artistic at ALL. I mean I can barely draw stick people much less do something that another will consider pretty. But, I do know what MIB loves to do and if I can set time aside to do those tings with her and get a little bit of education mixed in there...I do what I can. WordWorld and Sesame Street can only teach MIB so much.

Anymore ideas on what you would do on Family Friday?

7:00 pm

2010-09-17T22:07:00.000-07:00

That was the last time MIB urinated until right before we left the emergency room at about 4 pm.

After her surgery, she was having some difficulties urinating regularly. It took her almost all day after her surgery on Monday, and then she was only going two...maybe three times a day since. Plus, she hadn't had a bowel movement since last week Sunday. But the lack of bowel movements I had attributed to the Roxicet she was taking for pain.

Oh...as a reminder, she was still having muscle spasms all through the night and into Friday as well.

So after she still hadn't peed, I called her surgeon's nurse to let her know about all of the issues that she was having. After explaining MIB's symptoms, the nurse told me to immediately take her to the emergency room. So I got her washed up and dressed, did the same for myself, and was out of the door in less than 30 minutes. I took a couple of snacks with me for her just in case her appetite decided to kick in on the way or while we were there.

I took her to Children's Hospital Emergency, checked in, and we were in a room in less than 15 minutes. The nurses took her vital signs, got her in a robe, gave her a small room, handed the remote to me so that she could watch Dinosaur Train and Sid the Science Kid, and brought me a large cup of coffee.

The nurse practitioner came in and we had a discussion about her surgery and what was happening afterwards and then she told me what she was going to do for her. She scheduled her to have an X-ray of her bowels, a Fleet enema, and a new prescription for a pill version of her Valium so that I could disguise the taste of it better for her.

The x-ray wasn't too bad. They had to take two just to make sure they got an accurate reading of her bowels because of the cast that she had on. She did a pretty good job of staying still (not like she had much choice in an almost full body Spica cast) and got a Diego and Thomas the Train sticker.

We went back to her room and they gave her a 680 ml IV to help her with her dehydration. But of course they had to get the IV in her hand and she.was.not.happy. She cried while I sang "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to her, I helped the nurses put the tape on the IV on her hands so that they wouldn't stay, and tried to keep her as calm as I could. I held and rocked her during the IV drip...she went to sleep in my arms and had a fit when I laid her in the bed. But eventually she stayed, stopped crying, and slept a little more.

A little while after her IV drip stopped, she started to complain of pain in her knees and legs. I alerted the nurses and they gave her some morphine for her pain. They didn't give her any Valium, they wanted me to wait until she got home a little later and had my new prescription for it. She didn't go back to sleep but she was a lot more calm and didn't exhibit any more signs of pain.

Eventually it was time for the enema and she did surprisingly well with that also. She had a huge bowel movement about ten minutes later, but cried so pitifully while she was having it. "Diaper change Mommy Candy (Candy is my nickname from my aunt and when MIB talks to her on the phone she calls me Candy and now MIB calls me Mommy Candy)! Diaper change!" I'm actually getting better at changing her without help and even the nurses were surprised at how good of a job I was doing with her and the changes (I guess they don't see a lot of parents come in who can handle their child or takes the time out to learn what they need to do in order to handle their child).

So after getting there at about 11:30 this morning, we finally left at about 5:30 this afternoon. She had a bowel movement, peed, had pain medicine, a new script, and was feeling almost a thousand times better.

MIB is having a really rough week and I don't like that shit one bit.

So it begins...

2010-09-16T23:57:00.000-07:00

Now that MIB is out of the hospital, the real work has begun. And I almost wish I was back at work. Hell, I'd be doing a lot less.

Women, let me tell you...if you have a child or if your child has to go to the hospital for any reason please take advantage of the nurses doing the work for you because you are going to WISH for them the minute you get your discharges papers.

Don't take this as I'm lazy or an inattentive mother. I'd lay down and die for my child if it meant giving her the best of everything in life. But I'd be a fool if I didn't admit to how hard it is to stay at home and take care of a sick child.

MIB is going to be in her Spica cast for literally three months. Six weeks for her first surgery, then she will have it taken off, have her second surgery and then have another Spica cast on for another six weeks. Now this cast weighs anywhere from 10 to15 pounds on top of her 38.2 pounds that she's carrying. I do believe that I have gained a few pounds of muscles in my arms, lower back, and abs.

Not only is she heavy with her Spica cast, but she is almost dead weight. One of her legs is completely immobile and her other is partially immobile. If I only had to move her occasionally it wouldn't be such a big deal. But I have to move her in and out of the car seat, in and out of her wheelchair, in and out of the bed, down and up off of the couch, hold her up when she needs to have her clothes changed, when she needs to have her diaper changed,when she wants to be held...damn. My arms are literally crying right now as I type this.

Plus, while I was in the hospital, I wasn't able to get a lot of rest, but at least I was able to get some rest. Last night I was up until 2 in the morning watching MIB because some of her medicine had her breathing really funny. So instinctively I stayed up to monitor her, despite how dead tired I was. And I had to turn around a few hours later to tend to her breakfast, diaper, and other needs.

After that morning round was completed, I had to clean, run errands, do work from home, cook, shower, try (and fail miserably) to give her medicine, call the cable company, and worry about bills. My day was literally non-stop. And I am about 99% sure that it is going to be that way until she gets her second cast off.

Right now it's almost 2 am (again) and now I'm up watching Rizzoli and Isles to keep me awake while I watch the muscle spasms in her leg. She's having them because she won't take her Valium (which I don't blame her because that is nasty) and every 10 or 15 minutes her free leg kicks up and stiffens up in the middle of the air and I can't do anything about it because she won't taker her medicine...

I just got finished rubbing her leg down, calming her down, and rocking her back to sleep. The spasms in her legs are getting worse and I'm feeling helpless and almost useless because I am unable to do anything for her. This is why I wish I had a nursing team here at home with me. Screw not getting any rest, I just need to make sure that my baby is ok.

Now let me get on the phone with the after hours urgent care line...

...And the wait is over

2010-09-14T14:21:00.000-07:00

"Bravery Award"

That was the first thing I saw when I went into the recovery room with MIB. It was taped to the front of her gurney and it had a big star on it with her name underneath the start. The nurses told me that she was very brave during her surgery and didn't cry one time. I definitely need to get a picture frame.

She looked so tired when I saw her. She was surrounded by all of her stuffed animals and still had her tiara on. But she looked like she had a really long morning. MIB was glad to see me and tried to smile and reach out to me but the morphine just had too big of a hold on her and her movements.

They told me they were going to take her to her new room and got the rest of my family from the pre-op waiting room. We headed to the 10th floor of the west tower of Children's Hospital and once we stepped off of the elevator I REALLY REALLY knew that she was in the right place.

In order to get into the doors onto the floor you had to be buzzed in by the receptionist. There was a large nurses station at the front, another one in the middle, and then every two rooms had a small nurses station in between them with windows that they could look through if the parent had to step out for a minute.

My baby's room was lovely. It was extremely big with a TV for her, a TV and a full sized pull out bed for me, and a huge bathroom. She had three separate teams that included a nurse and an assistant and they only had one other patient to tend to (MIB's neighbor). They were very attentive, patient, and ridiculously helpful.

MIB was still pretty groggy once she got in her room and tried to sleep and sit up with me for a while. My aunt, BFF, and her boyfriend were there with me (my mom was at home sick) and they stayed with me until my mom came back out to the hospital. MIB slept off and on but really wanted me to pick her up. It was so hard and hurtful to tell her no because I knew that she needed to be with me and that I needed to console her; but since she has just had the surgery I was really scared to pick her up, fearing that I would jar her leg or put unwanted pressure on her incision.

She didn't eat very much Monday at all; she was very picky about what she would eat and even didn't want her favorites. She had a few apple slices and a couple of sips of apple juice but mostly ate ice chips. Later in the evening towards dinner time she did eat half of a grilled cheese sandwich and I was really happy because I was getting worried about her not eating enough considering the medicine she had taken and was taking (morphine for the surgery and Roxicet and Valium for the pain and muscle spasms).

Giving MIB her medicine was the worst experience as a parent I could ever go through. Her IV medicine was ok (despite her 'owie' in her hand) but the oral medicine was a fight to give to her. It was nasty and she knew it. So it took a couple of us to hold her hands down to keep her from thrashing and knocking it onto the floor and another to hold her face so that she could swallow the medicine. Most of it ended up on my hands or on her hospital gown. But when she finally swallowed the medicine, she was down for the count...at least I thought she was.

She was very restless despite the powerful drugs that she had and didn't sleep very much during the day. She's used to me rocking her to sleep and since I couldn't it was hard for her to get to sleep. Most of the day in her room when the nurses weren't taking her vitals and giving her medicine (another reason why it was difficult for her to sleep) was spent trying to calm her down so that she could sleep. Singing, holding her hand, talking to her, playing with her favorite animals...none of it really worked. Eventually, at about 3:30 in the morning, the nurses said that it was ok for me to hold her. I got in the reclining chair, carefully positioned the pillows around me so that her had and backside would be supported, and they put her in my arms and we went to sleep, covered by a Princess and the Frog throw.

The worst part of the night was having to change her diaper and watching her have muscle spasms. Her hot pink Spica cast comes up to the middle of her chest, all the way down her right leg (the one that was operated on), and halfway down her left. In the middle there is a cut out where her vagina and butt are exposed so that she could have a diaper on, urinate/defecate, and be cleaned. In order to put the diaper on we had to turn her on her side left side, take the smaller diaper out (a size 3), stuff the new diaper in the back underneath the cast, put the 5T size pull-up on the bottom, turn her on her back again, stuff the 3 diaper in the front on the inside of the Spica cast, and close up the pull-up (adding additional tape for security). She would wail when we had to change her and that hurt my heart so much. Tears were unfortunately a constant with her on that first day.

And so were the muscle spasms. MIB would have a leg or arm twitch or she would wince in pain (when we couldn't clearly see a spasm). And she would cry...man she would cry (I'm getting slightly emotional thinking about it right now). Then she would be even more upset because she had to get another dose of Valium and we had to basically fight her to get it down. MIB's twitches made her look like she had Tourette's and then she would hit her leg and it would.be.over.

On Tuesday they told us we could take her home and she was in much better spirits. She ate a little bit more (some apples, grapes, a few bites of oatmeal, and some juice) and watched PBS Kids, laughing and singing along with them that morning. She was still sensitive about her medicine and diaper changes but she was more used to it now. I talked to so many people before I left the hospital: the nurse, nurses assistant, nursing student, doctors, medical students, social worker, medical equipment workers...it was never ending and just as exhausting as waiting for her to come out of surgery.

During our stay at Children's Hospital, I stayed in her father's ass. As in: I continuously called and texted him letting him know her status, hounding him about when he was going to come out to see her, and so on. He and i had come to an understanding a few weeks ago about his role in her life and w hat he and I need to do in order to make a working and cordial relationship happen in order to give the best to our child. He told me a few days before she had her surgery that the was going to see her before Monday. No show. He said that he was going to be there late Monday night to see her and give me a hand. No show. Tuesday I stayed on the phone trying to contact him. Finally I got him and he claimed he was downstairs trying to find a park. I told him where to go and he said that he was going to park somewhere else. So of course I didn't believe him.

And I'll be damned if I was wrong. About 20 minutes later he came knocking on the door and talking to MIB while I was talking to the nurses about her after care and what to do in case of whatever. He talked to her, tried to calm her down and play with her, and seemed as if he was halfway paying attention to what the nurse was saying. Once we had gotten everything packed, papers filed, MIB's car seat and wheelchair; I initially called the nurse for a cart to take everything down. But I forgot that her dad was there and I was like ok let's do this and started delegating. My mom took my laptop and some smaller bags with her, I pushed MIB in her wheelchair and took the leather duffel bag, and her father took that insanely heavy car seat and the other attachments from her wheelchair that were useless to her.

Once we got downstairs and got the car from valet parking, he helped me load up the car and put in the car seat. While I was putting MIB in her seat, he was folding up her wheelchair and putting it in the trunk for me. Then he followed us to the house before he had to go to work (insert shocker smiley here) and looked at a problem that I had on my car.

When we finally got settled in the house, I.was.exhausted.in.real.life. I mean there is no way for me to explain how tired I really was. But, before I could even sit down, I had to get dinner ready for the family, pick up something at my friend's house, take MIB for a walk around the block, try to straighten up (because NOTHING was done while I was at the hospital), get her medicine in, change her diaper, wash her up, and put her to sleep. I got to bed early for a change (about 10 pm) but had to get up early because of family that is staying at the house.

Now that I know what I am going to be getting into, I am damn glad that I took the rest of the year off to telecommute for work.

And the wait begins...

2010-09-13T09:37:00.001-07:00

I am currently sitting in the third best children's hospital in the country.

I'm at Children's Hospital of Wisconsin sitting in the waiting room impatiently waiting for the doctor to come out to let me know that my child is ok.

A doctor just came out and is talking to another parent...he's telling the mother that his pressure was up but that he's ok now. I wonder if I will be ok if my baby's doctor tells me that.

It was a rough night for the two of us. She slept with me yesterday and had a horrible sleep. At about four in the morning she woke up crying and thrashing around in the bed. It was like she was having a serious nightmare about what was going to happen this morning. Or maybe it was Lord of the Ring...not sure. Maybe I shouldn't have let her watch that last night...Calliou (as much as I HATE HIM) would have been a lot better.

She went right back to sleep after I consoled her for about ten minutes and then we had to wake up about an hour later so that I could give her some apple juice. She had a no food order after midnight and hadn't eaten since 9 pm the night before and I wanted to make sure that she got something on her stomach. I got up, stumbled into the bathroom, used it and washed my hands, and then stumbled back into the kitchen to get her a glass of apple juice (with a straw of course).

Eventually we got washed up and ready to go. I put on some sweats and a tshirt; she had on her Princess and the Frog dress with a tiara our aunt got her at Walgreen's. We loaded up the overnight bags and made our way to the hospital.

After the valet gave us our ticket to retrieve the car later; my mom and I took MIB upstairs and got checked in. I have to say that it was a really smooth process. They had all of my paperwork filled out and ready for me to sign (LOVE pre-registration), gave me a overview of the hospital and procedures, a form to fill out names of visitors and then we were on our way.

The pre-op waiting room was really nice and so were the nurses. They gave MIB a toy cake, book, and a couple of dolls to play with while we waited for her doctor to call her in. The gave me a book with all of the information that I needed while we were staying at the hospital, found some cartoons for MIB to watch, and was just a really great nurse. Once the doctor was ready for her to come in, I was ready for her to go home...I don't care how nice they were.

But I eventually got over it because my baby needs this surgery...have it or be crippled basically. They took us into another area of the hospital and they gave her some "happy juice" right before they took her into the operating room. And they let her keep her tiara, Shreky, Animal, and her new toys as well. Then they wheeled her in and I was a slight mess.

I was worried, but didn't do the whole break down Maury-esque fall and cry when they took her in. I was nervous, my stomach was in knots; but it's like I knew she was in good hands. I think I am more worried about post surgery than the actual surgery. My baby will be fine...she has no choice but to be.

The doctor is calling me in now...she's out of surgery...

Well...that time sure did fly...

2010-09-12T15:42:00.000-07:00

Hey all...

It's been another extended break between blogs but I have been busy beyond belief in the last month and a half or so.

I've been preparing myself for things that were to occur this month and today is the first day of really getting those things rolling.

One includes my daughter's surgery that's going to happen tomorrow (insert super sad smiley here). My daughter has hip dysplasia and needs to have two surgeries to correct both hips. I took her to the doctor for the first time earlier this year and right before her birthday I took her to the actual specialist and he told me that she needed to have this surgery within six months or she could be permanently crippled. So for the last several weeks I have been getting myself prepared for her surgery: getting my hours reduced and approval for telecommuting (I've been cut to less than 20 hours per week) so I can stay home to take care of her, getting my monetary affairs in order, cleaning, unpacking (damn near a year later) and so on.

I finally have everything done. Our clothes are out for her stay, I have her Shreky, PoohBear, and Princess Frog blanket packed up, I have her favorite bedtime story (Please Baby Please), and my clothes for the overnight stay (and possible second night if applicable). Now I need to get my nerves and emotions together and I might be good as gold.

I also have everything in the works for two HUGE projects I have going on in my life. Since I'll be working from home until the end of the year, I am able to focus twice as many hours as I was towards those projects. I think I'll even have time to throw another project in there. But as much as I hate her having to have the surgery, it is a blessing in disguise because I'll be able to do complete my (now) three projects to give her more of what I want to give her (needs and wants). So stay tuned, I am not shy about self promotion.

Lastly, her father (note: it was sperm donor a few weeks ago) has been coming around. He claims that he'll be at the hospital with me to check on her and tend to her. He even visited her last week. But I'm going to keep my head and make sure that he doesn't screw up. I'm happy about the small things right now but I'm not going to become a fool either.

So really that's about it. I do plan on writing something about her surgery and have a better explanation of her surgery maybe tomorrow (I might write something while I'm waiting for her to be finished after her surgery; it'll keep me sane for a while). It will either be here or Associated Content or maybe even both. We'll see...

Anyway I'm off to clean and cook...tonight is a dressing and baked macaroni and cheese night...

Spoil the child...

2010-07-16T09:19:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my mother today and she was talking about something MIB had done this morning that she had no business doing. As we were discussing that she then said that when she turns sixteen that she was going to walk all over me. Um wha?

Me: "What do you mean 'she's going to walk all over me?'"
Nani: "You spoil her and she is going to walk all over you, that's what I mean."
M: "No I don't...how do you figure that?"
N: "Well, you laugh at the things that she do that are wrong and you think that they are cute."

Hmm...

I will admit, sometimes some of the things that she does that are wrong I do think that they are cute. SOMETIMES. But I don't let her know that. If she does something she KNOWS she has no business doing, I let it be known that she was wrong and will issue out a punishment accordingly. But there are times when she gives this look or says something that is honestly funny and I really REALLY try not to laugh in front of her face or while I'm punishing her. But if it's funny then dammit it's funny. I can't help that and neither can she (I think...she's smarter than what I sometimes give her credit for).

And then there are those times when I am laughing to keep from crying. Like today for example. MIB had her water bottle and poured it on the table and carpet in the living room. She almost always does something like this and we get on her every time she does it but it's just her thing (you know how little ones are when they discover something that they love doing or are amazed by...they keep doing it no matter how much time out or other ways of punishment are issued). So while on the phone with my mom, I laughed. But it was one of those "This child gone drive me crazy" laughs instead of "Oh that's so cute she pour water on the floor again" laughs.

I don't think I am spoiling my daughter. Well at least not to the point of her walking all over me and being able to get away with goodness knows what when she's really old enough to know what she's doing. I try to keep a balance in my child's life where the more serious things are taken well more seriously and the things that two year olds do aren't taken as seriously. My mom is a believer in more serious punishments for things that she does that aren't worthy of those punishments.

My question is: where is the balance? What action deserves a more serious consequence and what doesn't?

Happy Cake!!

2010-07-14T10:16:00.000-07:00

Last month was MIB's 2nd birthday and let me tell you I am glad there are 365 days that separate birthdays...real.talk.*

I had originally planned on having MIB's birthday party the Saturday after her actual birthday but ended up postponing it for a week because our cousin was getting married that weekend. Also, I didn't have all of her gifts and party supplies together for the party. As I was getting ready for the party, I checked out the weather report and it was going to be entirely too hot and humid to have it outside (also I had several children who are asthmatic attending the party).

Eventually, I had her party on the 19th and I am still trying to recover. I decided to have her party in the front yard and needed to get everything set up early in the morning. I had already reserved tables, chairs, and a canopy for the party two weeks before and they came to set everything up at 8:30 that morning. Then I had to pick up some family members who didn't have transportation and were handicapped to bring them over to the house. And thank goodness I did because I really needed their help.

My aunt and four cousins (one adult and three children) blew up balloons, put up the tables and chairs, and decorated the canopy's legs and tables. While they were doing that, I was running back and forth between Walgreen's, CVS, and the grocery store getting last minute items for the party. In between that, we had a few guests arrive and they helped with the decorating as well while I got the grill going to barbecue the hot dogs and brats.

Eventually 12pm rolled around and I had to pick up the cake: a full Princess and the Frog (PATF)sheet cake. The cake barely fit in the car, but I got it in there. I turned on the A/C on full blast and pointed towards the cake to keep it cool in the noon sun while I drove to pick up the chicken wings. Finally, I got home, got MIB in the tub, got her dressed and had to run out AGAIN to pick up ribbon for the balloons I filled with helium.

After that last run, I was finally able to get in the shower myself because I was sweaty and starting to get slightly funky. While I was in the shower, one of my guests was beating on my door to use the bathroom and I calmly but loudly directed him to wait or to go to the back of the house because I was going to get my shower in (yeah I can be slightly hood sometimes).

Finally, I got out the shower, dressed, and outside with the rest of the guests. I greeted everyone, helped take out the rest of the food, plates, and utensils, and helped serve the food. Thankfully, only a fraction of the kids I initially invited (30) actually showed up. Even though I wanted her to see and meet all of her cousins, I was glad that it was a more intimate affair because it gave her a chance to really be one on one with many of them instead of seeing a blur of chocolate faces buzz by her.

Then it was happy cake time! I brought out this huge yellow sheet cake that looked like a sweep swamp with a plastic Tiana from PATF sitting on top of a three inch tall, two inches in diameter mound of straight frosting. Me, her Nani, and her godmother helped serve cake and ice cream to the kids (and one of the kids ended up getting three plates because he dropped two of them) and then I was FINALLY able to sit down and eat something myself. So I thought because I had to get up and clean her up and change her clothes because of the cake dropper.

Then it was time to open presents. I really love my friends and family because they bought her things that she NEEDED (which is what I always ask for). She got some Aveeno bath products (because everything else breaks her out), a LeapFrog computer that helps her with the alphabet, an Elmo "laptop", another Elmo sing along book, some triangle crayons (easier for her smaller hands to hold), six or seven outfits (short sets with coordinating flip flops {thanks Titi...you have created a diva LOL} and several dresses), hair ribbons, and money.

Finally at about 6pm the party was finally over, folks were leaving, and the family that I picked up and a few friends helped me and Nani clean up the yard. All of the plates, broken balloons, streamers, ribbons, utensils, and cups were thrown in the garbage. My younger cousin and her mom folded the tables and the chairs and stacked them on the patio until they were picked up the next day. Once that was done, I went to the grocery store and picked myself up some hard lemonade, stuck it in the freezer, dropped off the last group of people, and came back home to finally eat. MIB was in the bed with Nani sleeping and me and a few friends and family sat outside ate some more food, drank Bahama Mamas and hard lemonades, and inhaled some happy cake.

MIB had a great time at her party and a month later she is STILL talking about happy cake and happy day. That was the most difficult, involved, busy, and insane event that I had ever been involved with. But it was worth it to see the smile on her face when we sang happy birthday to her and the way her eyes lit up when she got her happy cake.

*Image courtesy of TreasuredBirthdays.com

Changes...

2010-07-09T13:46:00.000-07:00

I've been MIA...I know this and I apologize (to the few who actually follow me lol).

Life interrupted...

I've been uber busy over the last two months. Some good and some bad.

MIB celebrated her 2nd birthday and had a Princess and the Frog themed party last month. Preparing for a child's birthday party is almost as involved as preparing for a wedding reception. In.sane. I'm preparing for 3 NOW. And she's still talking about happy cake.

Also found out that MIB has to have surgery on both of her hips. She'll be in a body cast for three months. That will be discussed in a new post.

Haven't heard from SD, but she did meet his mother for the first time last month. Good experience for me, her and MIB. I will be doing it again.

Making some serious changes in my professional life. No details now, but the subject of this blog is a big reason for the change and muse for the change. Working with a small team to get on it, hopefully it will be revealed in the fall, the bigger portion revealed at the beginning of the year.

I guess those are all of the updates with me and mine. I will be staying on top of my posts, but it will probably be just 2 a week so that I can work on the project and work on helping my baby get through her surgery and walk again.

It's a Different World...

2010-05-07T18:23:00.000-07:00

I was watching the series finale of "A Different World" this afternoon...you know the one where Dwayne gets the job offer from Konichiwa and Whitley found out she was pregnant and Kim got engaged to the Jamaican dude? And it got me to thinking about the world I came from.

My parents were married for 30 years before my Daddy died. I've known nothing but a father AND a mother in my life...along with other "mothers" and "fathers" that were in my life. Because of that background, I always thought that I would go to college, meet my boyfriend there, graduate, get engaged, jump start our career, buy a house, THEN have a baby. But damn me if it didn't work out that way.

And I'm pissed about it.

I mean, don't get me wrong, MIB is the greatest thing in the world to me...greater than my Daddy and Michael Jackson not being dead. But, I really wish that it would have gone the way I had hoped it to have gone; the way it went with my parents. And I'm mad at SD for not giving me that. Myself as well.

MIB's being here is shared responsibility between me and SD...I can't sit here and say that he got me pregnant on purpose or I put a hole in a condom to get pregnant. It happened and we got the most beautiful and precious thing from a condom breaking. And I wouldn't change HER being here for the world. I just wish that I had a marriage license, a white gold ring with a fake diamond, and a mortgage along with her.

And it hurts me to my heart that my child doesn't have a Daddy at home...it hurts my heart that I don't have a Husband at home. I know my child's welfare, mental, emotional, and social state are most important; but I just have to be a bit selfish and be concerned about my current state once in a while.

Not to say that I'm willing to accept SD in my life as my husband for the sake of having one or to go out and elope with the first male walking that says he "loves me"...but it is a bit sad that I wasn't able to go the course of my parents and my dreams. Who's to say that it will never happen, me getting married that is. I just wish that it would have been prior to MIB.

Other than that brief moment of self pity, I have to say that my life with my child is fabulous. We have fun, both learn a lot, have many people supporting and helping us (when needed), and love each other dearly. She has what she needs, most of what she wants, AND she's gonna be TWO in less than a month! Princess and the Frog overload.

I guess it is a different world than where I came from huh? And I love it.

Children's Medicine Recalled

2010-05-03T12:38:00.000-07:00

Last week there was a recall on children's and infant's cold and allergy medicine (including Tylenol, Motrin, Benadryl and Zyrtec) and all reports were advising parent's to immediately throw away any unused portions of the medicine.
According to reports there weren't any serious side effects reported among children that have taken the medication (that we know of) but McNeil decided to voluntary recall the medicine as a precaution.

Earlier this afternoon Lyndsey Johnson from the Washington Post had a online Q&A session with other readers further explaining the recall and the latest news regarding the recall. Some of the updated information she gave to the readers included:

all generic forms of Tylenol, Motrin, Benadryl, and Zyrtec are NOT included in the recall and can still be used.
links were provided for parents in order to get a voucher or refund for the recalled medicine.
(as of today) only the liquid forms have been recalled, not the chewable pill form.
a link explaining proper disposal of unused medications

Her session provided a lot of important information regarding the recall, especially some of the links she provided and I was glad that I came across her article. I initially threw away both generic and brand name Tylenol, Ibuprofen, and Benadryl before full reading her article (I will be purchasing more generic versions for the future).

But for those of you who don't want to purchase anymore over the counter medicine for certain issues maybe the following tips can help your child who would normally take them:

Fever: push lots of fluids, make sure your child gets lots of rest, keep the room/house at a steady temperature, avoid zinc and iron, and cool baths. If the child's fever persists for more than a couple of days and is over 100 degrees, seek medical attention[1]. For infants under 3 months, take them to the doctor immediately if their fever is 100 degrees or more[2].
Stuffy nose: Vicks. Get a Q-tip and apply a small layer of it into your child's nose, top lip, and on their chest. Usually that works great (it worked wonders with MIB when she had a bit of congestion last week).
Cough: a teaspoon of honey helps lessen cough in children (children ages 2-5 should get half a teaspoon, 12 and older 2 teaspoons) DO NO GIVE pure honey to children under the age of 2[3]

Of course, ALWAYS TALK TO A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL before administering any of these alternate options (especially to find out about allergies). Your doctor can also be contacted if you would still like to administer over the counter medications.

For further information about medication recalls and to get emails about recalls go to the following sites:
Recalls.gov
FDA
US Consumer Product Safety Commission

Twins

2010-04-29T18:59:00.000-07:00

No I'm not having twins! But I am going to write briefly about two different subjects relating to child rearing and this is the new title for it...Yes I know I'm creative lol!

Baby vs. Body

I was given a link to this article about The Biggest Loser trainer Jillian Michaels response to having children. She said that she couldn't "handle doing that to [her] body." When I first read the article I immediately thought that she was selfish and vain for saying something like that. But then I got to thinking about what I used to think about before I had MIB. I never wanted kids before I got pregnant with her. I had made it up in my mind that children were not for me and my lifestyle and I was perfectly happy with that. I wanted to be able to get up and leave when I was ready, go out without having to find a babysitter, and just keep my freedom in general. Did those thoughts make me a selfish and vain person like Michaels? Not really; it just made me realistic.

I wasn't ready for kids five years ago. To be honest, I'm still not ready for kids but I do the best I can with the help, knowledge, friends, and family that I have. If I were to have a child during my severely selfish stage, my child would have suffered more than she would have benefited from me being her parent. And the same goes for Michaels. If she got pregnant and her body was destroyed (let's not forget that her body is her paycheck) it's possible that she would resent and treat that child badly simply because he was born. Plus, it's not like she was totally against having children; she did say that she would be very interested in adopting a child. And let's face it, there are so many children in the U.S. (YES in the U.S. not just Malawi!) that are in foster care looking for and wanting a family that adoption for her and many women like me and her would be the best option for her.

My BFF has a saying: "these women don't want these kids." I'd rather see Michaels with a child that's already here that she'll love than give birth to one she could possibly resent and abuse.
____________________________________________________

Don't do it

The other article I received talked about putting televisions in childrens' rooms and posed the question: is it OK to do? The writer, Lynn Mundy Coggin, said that she allowed her children to have televisions in her room but eventually said the generic homework is more important, good examples need to be set, and parents should be present and available during certain programs that their children are watching. Yes, that's all true but my instant thought was about how are African American children affected by television and generic just ain't gonna cut it.

If you are Black in America, you are already aware of the stereotypes that plague our community and how television shows are the main instigators of those stereotypes. One article I read about how it affects African American children was from the University of Michigan and gave more in depth answers about how and why television in a child's bedroom (and anywhere in the house for that matter) can be more devastating to them. African American males are portrayed (as if this is something new, but informative nonetheless) as more aggressive in comparison to their white counterparts who are usually portrayed as strong [1]. More of our children are the focus of crime stories [2], more of our boys are the initiators of crimes, and all of our kids are more likely to be targeted by alcohol companies on television.

With our kids watching nothing less than 50% of the time with a television in the house [3] and 1.5 more hours than those without televisions in their rooms, it's only the logical choice that we don't allow our children to have one their room and to overly monitor the programs they watch. Televisions, especially for single parents, have become a replacement for parents and other human contact because of the ease to pacify the children when the parent is doing something else or they just want them out of their hair.

I will be the first to admit that I've done that: turned on one of MIB's favorite cartoons in order to keep her occupied while I was cooking dinner (and attempting to keep her from burning or harming herself). I do, however, read to her nightly (sometimes two or three books), take her outside for walks, allow her to help me with the laundry, or take her along for a ride while listening to the radio and singing. Not to say that there aren't some shows that are beneficial to the development of children and lack the racial stereotypes that some shows portray constantly (Sesame Street immediately comes to mind); but we have to be careful of the effects constant television watching has on our children, their development, and their perception of others, especially themselves.

And consider MIB to be the next child to not have a television in her room.

For more information about the effects of television on children visit the following sites:
KidsHealth
Carolyn A. Stroman - The Journal of Negro Education
Media Awareness Network

We can give our breastmilk to our own children now...

2010-04-25T16:01:00.000-07:00

The following question was posed to me in the Facebook group I created today: "Why are African American mothers the least likely to breastfeed their children?"
Years before I had MIB, I had always told myself that if I ever had children I would breastfeed. I tried to do as much research as I could about breastfeeding and really wanted to have a healthier lifestyle and diet for her so that she could develop properly and be on target with all of the "benchmarks" set for children. And I did when she was born...well at least I tried to. I had an extremely difficult recovery after having her and didn't eat for weeks after she was born and couldn't produce enough milk to properly feed and nourish her as a newborn. Good Start was the major source of vitamins and nutrients for MIB until she was a year old. But I never really paid attention the the number of African American women who don't breastfeed.

I was reading an article to research this question and it said that only 54% of African American women actually breastfeed their newborns (compared to 74% of white women and 80% of Hispanic women)[1]. The article went on to say that Hispanic women did it more because they are basically more culturally sound and aware than African American women in regards to breastfeeding. It didn't say, however, why white women are more likely to do so. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it's because of the amount of knowledge they are given and have access to about breastfeeding: professionally and personally.

After I had MIB and was in recovery, the nurses knew that I wanted to breastfeed and came up to try to get me to express some milk while she was in NICU so that she could feed. I tried to pump and breastfeed her the whole week but I noticed that they made sure to have a can of formula available just in case. They did give some tips about breastfeeding and pumping but why am I getting this info AFTER I had her instead of it being pumped into my brain DURING my pregnancy? My doctor never really pushed the breastfeeding issue and all of the information I learned about it was because I did the research. There were no suggestions of classes or handouts or pamphlets given to me about breastfeeding by my doctor. My social worker did give me books and helped me get a pump but only AFTER I requested the information and help.

Also, many of the women in my family didn't offer any suggestions or advice in regards to my desire to breastfeed. I guess that's because out of those who were in my age group none of them actually breastfed (from what I recall). Their babies were Good Start babies and none of them were really interested in doing so. The only advice and information I got from a family member was from my mother and that's because she's a nurse. It seems like many of us, because there is no recent family history of it, cannot depend on being led and nurtured by seasoned breast feeders and must depend on professionals to give us the guidance that we need.

Education about breastfeeding needs to be pushed and enforced in the African American community. I understand that how one feeds their child is entirely up to them but unfortunately due to budget cuts, sub par and inadequate health care and overworked and overbooked doctors all of the options about the best life for your child aren't available. We as African American women are not given all of the information about how breastfeeding can help our children's immune system, asthma, IQ, and even possibly prevent diabetes and heart disease[2]. Not to mention the avoidance of possible harmful chemicals and growth hormones that might be in some baby formulas. Allowing others to dictate what and how we feed our children shouldn't be left up to the doctors and we shouldn't be given mini bookbags filled with blankets, coupons and starter $15 cans of formula.

We can't be told or encouraged to breastfeed the one day that we are in the hospital after having our child; better late than never is not an option when it comes to our children.

For additional information about breastfeeding, visit the following sites:
African American Guide to Breastfeeding (pdf file)
Mocha Milk Blog
Black Breastfeeding Blog
Black Women Do Breastfeed Blog
Breastfeeding.com
La Leche League International

Bread and Bars

2010-04-21T13:49:00.000-07:00

One day I will understand why folks do stupid stuff...

SD came over a few times after his last visit to see MIB and I was quite surpised and I guess happy. (I really shouldn't be excited for someone because they are doing what they are supposed to be doing but it is what it is). He visited with her, played with her, ran around with her...just spent time with her in general. She enjoyed his visits and I was cool with it...I hoped he would do it more often.

A few weeks later he came back over to visit her around 7 pm. She was sleeping (she had a long day and needed an early nap) and told him that he could come over tomorrow to see her if he wanted to. He said that he would and then gave me $50.

*sidenote: I haven't gotten ANYTHING from this man: child support or out of his pocket. This gesture of his completely shocked the hell out of me. /sidenote*

I asked him: "Um, what is this for."

SD: "You know for you to get her whatever she needs."

My mom called me for something and I went to see what she needed while still holding onto the bill. While I was doing what I needed to for my mother, I started to think about the things that she needed. She had baby wipes, PullUps, plenty of clothes and shoes, and food and milk in the fridge. When I came back he asked me: "So what are you going to get her with the money?"

I looked at him and told him "Well, she already has everything that she needs and then some. So I'll just put the money in a savings account for her so she can have some money for college; if she decides to go." Of course he had nothing to say about that but did mention his birthday was coming up that weekend and that he was going to Florida to celebrate.

But, it seems like the universe did not agree with his plans to go out of town to celebrate his 33rd. One night I got a call on my cell phone from an unfamiliar area code. I initially missed the call and tried to call the number back but got a busy signal. So the next morning I called the number back and was told to call another 800 number to get any additional information. I called the number, asked the lady what type of company it was and she said that they helped people put credit on their phones for collect calls from jail.

After I told her that I wouldn't be adding anything to my phone, I did a reverse look up on the phone number. Fond du Lac, WI. Then I took a look at Wisconsin Circuit Court Access to see if SD was arrested in the last couple of days. Lo and behold he was, just two days before his birthday bash in Florida. He's been locked up for the last four weeks and of course one of the first people he decides to call is me.

Why he feels like I have time to answer his calls to hear jailhouse musings is beyond me. Why he thinks I am going to take a collect call from him (or anyone from jail...) is beyond me. I am sure that he is going crazy behind bars, but I guess that's what he's used to because if he wasn't he wouldn't have done what he did to be there.

After his regular visits and actual willingness to help me out with MIB, I was starting to hope that he was in the process of becoming a better man. That he was starting to take seriously his duites as a father and was ready to take the more sensible direction at the crossroads but I guess that was wishful thinking on my part.

MIB is running around the house saying "Da-dyi Da-dyi!" and she has no "Da-dyi" to run to. It hurts my heart to see that she now recognizes him, knows who he is and what to call him, but can't see him. I guess in his case, there is no reason to hope because its all for nothing.

And, he needs to stop calling my cell collect...I ain't his mom and I ain't answering.

This really needs to stop happening...

2010-04-19T13:42:00.001-07:00

OK...I have been on hiatus for a HOT MINUTE...and I apologize.

We have been sick in the YCM household and I mean SICK. Anyone who caught whatever that nasty bug that was floating around back in late February/early March knows exactly what I am talking about.

MIB got sick first, then passed it to me, then my mother got it, then MIB got better, then I got better, mom stayed slightly sick but not as well as me and MIB, then MIB got it again (a week later), I got it again (a week later) and it lasted about three weeks for the both of us, then mom got it again (a couple of weeks after we got it) and hers lasted for about three weeks. So in total, the YCM household was sick for almost two months in a row. And it was noooooooot pretty.

Anyway, a lot has gone down since my last post two long months ago and I am working on new posts for that as we speak. Also, I haven't responded to some of the comments so I will be working on those as well. My PC at home (damn I want an Apple) is acting up for no reason so I have to get that figured out but I will try to post from home as often as I can; if not y'all will have to wait till I get to work in order to read a fab post lol.

Thanks for the comments, the visits, and the patience. Send some more folks over here! Plus, I want to open up the post soon...so if you have any suggestions, leave them in my comment box.

Being honest...

2010-02-22T08:22:00.000-08:00

is hard as hell...

Especially to yourself.

real.talk.

YCM's Tips: Painfree doctor appointments

2010-02-18T06:00:00.000-08:00

One of the most hectic days that I can possibly have as a single mother is doctor day.

Finding time off to get to each doctor's appointment, coordinating the distances between doctors, requesting time off, filling (possible) prescriptions, calling for consults...
it can be a pain in the ass (especially if there is a shot involved). But, I have found a few ways to simplify doctor day for my family (MIB, my mother, and myself):

My doctor is one stop shopping: being a single mother means having very little time to spare for many things. So having a doctor that can take care of my gynecological, general medical, and pediatric needs is a life saver. I can schedule an appointment on the same day for both me and MIB and spend about an hour tops at the office. If your doctor isn't a one stop shop, call your insurance provider and see if there is a doctor who can provide everything in one spot.
Night owl: on Wednesday afternoons, my doctor's office is open until 7pm at night. So just in case I have a mountain of things to do at work or I don't really have any more time to take off from work, I can schedule my appointments for after 5 pm (when I get back into the city after work). Also, this is great for days that I might have to take MIB to a consult at another doctor's office that has "normal" business hours.
Keep doctor's within the same network: because of certain issues my daughter has, I have to take her to different doctors based on specialty. But my doctor is a member of the local medical college, children's hospital, and another local hospital and is able to usher me to doctors within the network and close to his office (for the most part) as well. This is great because many times I don't have to schedule night owl appointments with him if I have a consult earlier in the day because the specialty doctor's office is in the hospital that is only 3 minutes away.
Dollar Tree: yes I love the Dollar Tree. Especially for their appointment books. I don't have the money for fancy Blackberries or $100 leather bound date books so I hit up the Dollar Tree for their cheap but effective appointment books. I am able to keep track of all of MIB's, my mother's, and my appointments and doctor's office's numbers and addresses. Also, I keep track of my period in the same book (red dots for the beginning and end of my period) to give to my doctor when it's time for my yearly Pap. It's a monthly book with plenty of room to list all appointments, play dates, birthdays, and any other information I need to put in there. Plus, it's not even a half of an inch thick and fits very easily in MIB's diaper bag when I don't want to carry my purse or bag.
Be prepared: self explanatory. The night before I have doctor's appointments for the family, I get all of MIB's things ready: toys, books, snacks, training paints, baby wipes, paperwork, appointment books and any other necessity go into her diaper bag. I also get her clothes together, touch up her hair, and a bath the night before so the next day all I have to do is give her a small wash up, throw a few ribbons in her hair, get her dressed and then leave the house. This saves me a lot of time on doctor appointment day and keeps me from having a migraine.

*Image from Dr. Mike Mandela

Ice water was served in hell earlier today...

2010-02-17T22:47:00.000-08:00

I was finishing up dinner with my mom and MIB when I got a call from SD at about 9 pm. He said that he wanted my address because he was coming over to see her.

I'll be damned if he didn't show up about an hour later.

He came in and as soon as MIB saw him, she started running towards me. My child didn't even know who her father was and that hurt me to no end. He tried to pick her up and get her to come to him but she just kept clinging to me like he was going to kidnap her.

I told her "that's your daddy baby, go say hi to daddy." But she kept reaching up towards me whenever I put her on the floor to walk to him or tried to hand her over to him. When she would let him hold her for a few seconds, he would talk to and hug her and kiss her cheeks...but then she'd still be reaching for me.

He stayed for about half an hour; most of that time was spent trying to convince her that it was ok for her to come to him and that he was her daddy.

I told him that her first words were "dada." He had a dumbass look on his face.

My mom came out of her room to talk to him and told him that he needed to see her more and that he was always welcome here to spend time with her. She also told him that if my daddy was alive he would have kicked his ass for treating his child the way that he was.

When he got ready to go, MIB let him hug her but she still wanted to be with me. I had to check him for calling me his "baby's momma." He didn't do it again...I guess he don't read this blog. He told me that he was going to come over more often in order to see her. He didn't want to make anymore promises but he was going to make a better effort to visit her.

I call bullshit on that.

I guess I'll just have to see. He's so stuck on what his problems are and what he's going through and he still doesn't get the fact that we are all going through things. I'm going through a lot but that doesn't stop me from doing what I need and want to be doing for our child.

I wonder if he'll come back to see her again. I wonder if I even want him to come back. I feel like I've traumatized my child by bringing this stranger into her life.

After talking to him about what he's been up to lately and what he's been through lately (I swear thugs have no concept of advancement, growth, and maturity) I don't know if I even want her to be around him and his bullshit.

I want my child to know her father, to have a father figure, to have a positive male figure in her life.

After talking to him and what he's doing with him life...I don't think I want that anymore. She might be better without him. And why is it taking me this long to really realize that no father figure can be better than a bad father figure?

I understand..

2010-02-16T09:19:00.000-08:00

Last week I called SD and told him about MIB's medical problems and what I had decided to do about it. But since I hadn't heard from him in ages and I was frustrated and irritated with him and his behavior; I told him that I wasn't going to call him anymore.

A few days later he called me back and asked about how she was doing, what was going on with her leg, etc. Then he told me that he was in town (he currently lives about an hour outside of the city) and was filling me in about his latest adventures. I was hardly interested (and let it be known that I wasn't) and told him that if he wanted to really know how MIB was doing he could come and see her at anytime.

Of course he didn't come that day. I expected that. So today I called him and got to talking to him about what he's doing, not doing, and should be doing.

Me: You should come and see your daughter. You haven't seen her in over a year.

SD: I understand.

Me: I'm really tired and it doesn't make any sense to me that you aren't doing what you need to do in order to see your daughter

SD: I understand.

Me: I've never asked you for shit. EVER. All I've asked of you is to come and see your child. It's not fair to her that she won't have the life that we had as children. She didn't ask to be here.

SD: I understand.

Me: I hate the fact that I can't give her the life that I want her to have and the life that I had. But I'm more pissed off at you because you're not trying to help give her that life.

SD: I understand. But what...did you call me just to ride on me? Wtf..

Me: Yeah I did because this is some stuff that I needed to get off of my chest. You keep on talking about how you are going to do this and do that but you never do. You make promises and always find a way to break them. I have done EVERYTHING possible for this child: worked two jobs, sold what I needed to in order to get what she needed, borrowed, whatever; and I have NEVER had a problem seeing her everyday. You should be able to do that too...it pisses me off that you've done NOTHING in regards to her.

SD: I understand.

Well you know what, I don't understand. I don't understand why you understand everything I am talking to you about but aren't doing anything to rectify it. I don't understand why it's a problem because I am telling you what the fuck you need to get off of your ass and do. I don't understand why you get pissed off at me because I mention the mothers of your other children (because I didn't want him to compare me to them). I don't understand why when I'm talking to you about quality time spent with your child you get to talking about white folks and money (they don't have a damn thing to do with you coming to see our daughter). I don't understand why you claim to understand what I'm going through but once again doing nothing to help me with it.

I don't understand how you can understand anything and do nothing to make it right...

Guest Blog - BGLH

2010-02-12T09:47:00.000-08:00

Hey y'all...

I did my FIRST guest blog a little over a week ago. Well, sort of. Leila Noelliste over at BGLH liked my article, but was more intrigued with one of the questions that I posed and wanted to start a conversation from that question. So, my article ended up getting cut. I don't mind because I was glad that she allowed me to write for her blog. However, I did want to post my actual article for y'all:

My 20 month old daughter MIB has hair like her Mama’s: multiple textures, thick, coarse, and a handful to comb. On average it takes almost two hours to properly shampoo, condition, detangle, and moisturize her hair. I try to keep her hair routine as simple as possible by mimicking mine because as single mother simplicity is the key. While she’s in the tub, I gently wash her hair with Aveeno Baby Essential Moisture Shampoo because for me it gets her hair the cleanest. I keep her old twists in while washing her hair to keep the tangles down because her hair tangles up TOO easily. Then I put in Africa’s best Olive Oil Deep conditioner mixed with Hollywood Beauty liquid Castor Oil in her hair while I finish bathing her. She has very dry hair and my conditioner and castor oil mixture helps retain moisture in her hair.

After I rinse her hair and dry her off, I spray her hair with Johnson’s no more tangles detangling spray and coat her hair with Hollywood Beauty solid Castor Oil. In order to detangle her hair I do it in sections and use several combs that vary in width in order to eliminate as many tangles as possible. Then I use cotton ponytail holders to put her hair in puffs and then I split the puffs in two to create protective two strand twists. Since she is not yet two, I use all that I can to keep her still and quiet: a few pieces of soft peppermint candy (which also helps keep her stools loose) and episodes of Calliou, Dinosaur Train, and Sesame Street.

By the time this is all over, my daughter is pretty tired and cranky. If this is what she has to go through on a weekly basis, how can I convince her that having natural and nappy hair is a good way to live life? As difficult as it is (because she sees the frustration I have repeating the same routing with my hair), I think I have a few ways to show her that natural hair is beautiful and that she doesn’t have to resort to excessive chemicals and heat to alter her already beautiful hair.

Keeping her routine simple is definitely a way to keep her motivated to keeping her natural hair. When many women go from chemicals and heat to natural hair, some of us can go through hundreds of products, routines, and styles before we find the “perfect” one to live with. Since I am committing myself to raising a natural daughter, I want to give her an easy foundation to continue her natural hair journey. Having five products and simple wash and comb routine will hopefully become second nature to her and more appealing than chemicals and heat (which involve more steps and products IMO).

Another way that I try to keep her naturally motivated is to stop using heat on my hair. On occasion I would blow my hair out to have a big, bad ass afro. As much as I love having a huge afro, I love knowing that my child won’t have to use any heat on her hair even more. Children mimic adults, especially same sex parents. I know that heat, even if applied a few times a year, can be damaging to your hair. Setting a heat and chemical free example will show my daughter that Mama can live with natural hair and she can too.

I know that I am unable to keep her away from television shows and internet pictures that show women with long, flowing weaves and hair processed to no end with heat and chemicals. Even my mother (who lives with me because of her illnesses) has a relaxer in her hair and jokes that she will either put a straightening comb to it or perm it once she’s “old enough” to handle one. I have to be the foot in her life that goes down when it comes to positive natural hair images and discussions about her hair in her life. A way to give her positive images of her hair, outside of my own hair, is through her toys.

As much as I would like to keep straight haired dolls from her toy box, I am sure that someone will get her one for her birthday or just because. One way to counter that is to buy dolls that look just like her. A friend of mine makes these beautiful, hand made, crocheted dolls with afro puffs, braids, and locs in a range of skin colors (http://www.littlepan-africanclothpeoples.blogspot.com/) and I have one for her already and plan on getting several more in the future for her. Just to have little dolls that look like her and have (yarn) hair similar to hers is a motivator as well as cute as all get out.

I also have to talk to people about how they talk about my child’s hair. I have to get on my mother more often than not about how she discusses MIB’s hair, the texture of it, the “good hair, bad hair” debate, and the jokes about perming her hair. As a mother, it is my job to explain to her certain ways of life and how they can affect her in the future and I shouldn’t let anyone (family or not) take that control and influence I have over her most impressionable years and her choice of hair. I need to be her natural voice in a chorus of perms and heat.

To be honest, it’s not easy raising a child that has natural hair. I know that MIB will have to face peer pressure about perming her hair and negative comments from friends, family, and outsiders about what she is and isn’t doing to her hair. All I can do is to hope that the things that I say and the life that I lead will convince her to stay natural.

What steps do you take to encourage your child's natural hair?

The creation of an Intelligent Beauty - Decisions

2010-02-09T06:00:00.000-08:00

The creation of an Intelligent Beauty Part 1

I'm pregnant.

That was the only thing I could think of once I got home. I went to my room, sat in my bed, and came to the realization that I was actually pregnant. It wasn't a false positive, a faulty pregnancy test...this was the real thing. It was verified by the ultrasound that there was a tiny body in my stomach.

And I didn't know what the fuck to do.

I told the social worker at the hospital that I had no problem having an abortion but in actuality I kind of did. I believe in a woman's choice to do what she wanted to do with her body and if having an abortion was what she wanted, then I support what she does. At the same time, if abortion doesn't fit into the way she lives her life, then I support that too. I always thought I was going to have an abortion, but my faith and what it dictates was telling me no. I needed to stop, weigh all options, and look at what signs were being placed before me.

The year before, I was pregnant (by MCF; I don't fool around with a whole bunch of people. When I'm with someone, I am with HIM and HIM only). I found out by going to the doctor simply because I wasn't feeling good and wanted to know what was going on. A week to the day after finding out I was pregnant I had a miscarriage. I told myself that I wasn't going to get pregnant again because of the mental and physical pain of the miscarriage, the asshole of a boyfriend (me and MCF were a couple at the time), and the fact that I just wasn't ready. But for some reason, I had gotten pregnant (despite all I did to protect myself from the pregnancy) again exactly one year later. Was there a reason why I had gotten pregnant again? Are the ancestors trying to tell me something? Is this a sign?

If I kept the child, I knew my life would change forever. I started to think about what I would be missing if I had a kid. First thing that popped in my mind: my freedom. If I had a child, I wouldn't be able to just get up and go whenever I wanted to. Late nights at the club or a friend's house would be a thing of the past and turn into a luxury. I would have to start planning events and outings weeks in advance instead of being able to do them at the spur of the moment. Babysitters would have to be contacted and contracted, times would have to be agreed upon, and money (and lots of it) would be changing hands.

The cost of raising a child in the 21st century has gone up to almost 200k per child for 18 years. If I had a child, I couldn't shop like I wanted to anymore. If I wanted to go out and trick off a lot of money on booze or at the club or just on whatever, it couldn't be done because I'd have to use that money on diapers and food and other baby stuff. I would still be able to get things for myself but the child's necessities would come before my wants.

I was a certified single person. I offered help to those who really needed it (even those who just wanted it) and wasn't selfish. But once I finished helping others and got down to me, I WAS selfish. I didn't have any responsibilities, I was free...I had no one to answer to, to worry about, to tend to, to take care of and I loved it. But a baby? I could say good by to my single, carefree life for good and my single person selfishness.

Somebody tell me what the fuck am I supposed to do...

Baby Momma of the Year...For real?

2010-02-04T10:49:00.000-08:00

This is why I write this blog...because of BS like this.

I was listening to the radio this afternoon at work while eating my lunch when I heard this come across the airwaves.

I damn near choked.

The announcer stated that it would be some weekend and that all baby momma's need to come dressed in their best while toting pictures of the child(ren) in order to compete for the baby momma of the year. I swear that is the MOST embarrassing thing I have ever heard come across Milwaukee's airwaves.

I was just thinking the other day about being embarrassed to be a single mother. Years ago (during my parents' generation) a woman who had a child out of wedlock (or was alone) was basically put out of the community (by being sent away to another city or nunnery to have their child) and was not allowed to hang out with the "good" girls (aka - those who weren't pregnant and didn't have sex). And just the other day, I felt embarrassed to be a single mother (after my friend told me about another friend who is married and pregnant with her second child).

I am embarrassed because I wasn't married or in a real relationship with my child's father. I am embarrassed because she won't have her father in her life (at least that is the way it's looking so far) and won't know who he is. I am embarrassed that I can't give MIB the life I had (with two parents) as a child. But, despite the embarrassment of not having and not being able to give those things, I know for sure that I am a mother and am proud of that. And that makes this baby momma of the year award even MORE embarrassing for me.

If I'm not mistaken, 99.999% of baby momma's are single women and are not with their child(ren)'s father(s). The description of a baby momma is not a favorable one and is not one I aspire to be like. I am afraid that I will be mistaken for a baby momma because of my single/not with MIB's father and embarrassed even more because of the assumption. I don't need to be associated with baby momma's and invited to a party to participate in a popularity contest for baby momma of the year.

Calling my mother a few times a day while I'm at work to check on MIB's legs is what makes me a MOTHER. Rearranging my work schedule and taking in hours at home to spend more time with MIB makes me a MOTHER. Making sure MIB has all of the things she needs even though I know I don't have the money for it makes me a MOTHER. Reading her bedtime stories and letting her make a mess of the floor when she is in the tub makes me a MOTHER. This I cannot be embarrassed about.

The baby momma's of Milwaukee/Racine/Kenosha/Waukesha counties can get dressed up, leave their children with whomever, get drunk, and accept a cheap award based on who has on the best freak'em dress in the club (because you KNOW they ain't voting based on how good of a baby momma they are). I'd rather take a well fed, healthy, young lady that I raised with a lot of love, care, and (appropriate) discipline. That's all the trophy I need.

Plus, I don't need to be praised or awarded for something I'm supposed to (and want to) do anyway.

Things that make me smile

2010-01-29T06:00:00.000-08:00

The way she says her body parts:
Cheeks - kheeks
Hands - hans
Mouth - mou
Chin - ken
Bellybutton - lakdfakfj; (it's totally unintelligible lol)
Foot - she just throws them in the air (lmao)

The way she picks up the remote and turns it to what SHE wants to watch (usually involving Calliou or Sesame Street or Dinosaur Train)

The way she feeds herself with a backwards fork

The way she picks up stuff to throw in the garbage (which, strangely enough, is usually garbage that needs to be thrown out)

The way that she "helps" me with the laundry by putting the wet clothes and dryer sheet into the dryer and closing the door

The way she reads her book (Peek-A-Boo is her favorite) while she's potty training

The way she grabs my face and kisses and hugs me when she wants to get (in) to something

The way she rolls on her stomach, holds on to me or the comforter, and slides to the floor

Donations

2010-01-27T08:00:00.000-08:00

MCF is now SD (sperm donor).

I had to give him a new name for several reasons. The first being I HATE the term baby's daddy" as much as I hate "baby's momma."
Even though he's certainly acting like the stereotypical baby's daddy (more on that in a minute) I can't bring myself to call him that. I should be. I really need to be calling him a BD...but it would be hypocritical of me (no matter how MUCH he acts like one) to call someone something that I don't want to be called and don't believe in.

The second reason (and most important) is that this fool has NOT seen our child in a year. Do you hear me? ONE.WHOLE.YEAR. He has missed the 4th of July, Memorial Day, Father's day, Mother's day, Labor day, Thanksgiving, Halloween, Christmas, Kwanzaa, and...her.birth.day. It's bad enough his sorry ass missed her birth; but now he insists on not seeing her. He's not even paying child support (not that I REALLY need it, but it would be nice of him to at least attempt to take care of her in one way if he's not going to physically see her).

SD has really gotten under my skin lately. Since our last encounter a few weeks ago...

*our last encounter side note: he was driving down the street in front of my cousin's house the day before Thanksgiving and saw me talking to my cousin and did a u-turn to talk to me. I didn't have MIB with me because I was running errands for my aunt and it was too cold for her to be out. I got in the car with him and asked him about when he was going to come and see MIB and where had he been for the last several months. He had been in Atlanta for a month and didn't bother to call to let me know that he was gone. MIB could have gotten sick or hurt or whatever and he wouldn't have known. As we were talking, I was telling him to give me his new number so that I could be in contact with him. He said that his phone was his "work phone" and that he couldn't give it out (what company do YOU know of that issues out metallic pink blackberries unless it's related to Paris Hilton or something...that with the DIET Dr. Pepper in the car: female. Don't play me for a fool if it's your girl's phone then just tell me. Don't sit there and lie to me talking about it's my "work phone"). Anyway, he wouldn't give me the number and said that I could get his mother's number to contact him (um, if you don't always have your "work phone," then how do you expect your mother to get in contact with you when I needed to call you? Plus, I didn't lay down with your mother, I laid down with YOU). I then gave him my new address and told him to follow me to the house so that he knew where it was at. Of course, he refused at that offer but was QUICK to try to get me to drive to the lake (15 minutes from my house) to have sex in the back of my car. Fool.no.*

...I haven't heard from him, seen him, nothing. And that's what pisses me off. Since MIB was born, I've asked him for ONE thing (a container of formula when I didn't have any money and my car was out of commission) and haven't asked him for anything since. I have been taking care of my child and my mother, paying bills on TWO apartments, and handing out money for gas that I DO NOT have. I've never asked him for shit except for his time. And he's not giving it to our daughter.

I hate that she doesn't know who her father is. That she wouldn't recognize him in a crowd or would feel immediately comfortable with him if he were to come over tomorrow. It's unbelievable to me that he would deny her a relationship with him when he and I had relationships with our fathers. It pisses me off that he values his wants than the needs of our daughter. But it pisses me off more that I have been allowing this.

I've been trying to be the adult in this situation; always trying to keep everything "cool" (shout out to Funtunfunafu) when it came down to discussing any situation that involved MIB. But every time he broke his promise to me I wouldn't say anything or would keep my cool when telling him my disappointment in what he wasn't doing. Now though, I'm tired of being cool...I'm tired of being hot.

I think I need to get a little forceful...a little gully. I need to put aside my political leadership (Funtunfunafu!) aside when it comes to him and start putting MIB's needs even MORE to the forefront. I don't know what to do though or how to do it. But I do know that I'm tired of his bullshit and I'm not going to let him get away with it. I just might even try to get his rights severed. Push for bench warrants for non-payment of child support. Something.

I never wanted to get "the man" involved in our affairs when it came down to our child, but I feel as if he is leaving me no choice. Should I wait for him to show any type of care and/or concern about our child or should I push to have bench warrants issued and sever his right?

Yeah I said it...

2010-01-25T12:07:00.000-08:00

I need my child's father in our lives.

I was over at MsL's spot reading her latest post (if you ain't been you need to be here) and her topic was about feminism and sort of led into how the roles of men and women are created. In my comment to her post, I talked about how men and women information and conversations were restricted to that sex. My parents never dipped their noses in the opposite sexes powwow with their peers and that is something that I've honored, even into adulthood.

But, after I had my child and started to see how her father wasn't going to be in her life, I made it up in my mind that I didn't need him in our lives and I didn't need him to help me in any way. My mother even cosigned that statement by saying we'd be the father in her life. Several months after those revelations, I remembered that fat meat is greasy and realized that I do need him in our lives.

Being a single parent is hard.real.talk. I don't think that there is any other way to describe it. I work eight to ten hours a day, sometimes on the weekend, clean up my home, cook dinner, take care of my daughter (and my mom; another day, another post), do laundry, run errands, pay bills (with money I really ain't got), schedule appointments, deal with shitty diapers, and some more stuff that I can't even remember right now (because guess what? I'm at work right now!). My mother helps me out a lot, and I cannot say how grateful I am for her but MIB's father needs to be around helping out.

I am not able to teach her things that a man is supposed to teach her. My daddy told me about men and how they really operate. He showed me what a father was supposed to do for their family. He taught me about life from a man's point of view so that my point of view of life would be balanced and not so judgmental. He raised me as much as my mother did; he used to come home for lunch and feed me while we watched Another World (he named me after one of the main characters on the show). He helped as evenly as he could financially to make sure that I had all that I wanted (and most of what I needed) in my life for school, work, and play.

These are the things I need MIB to have and I can't do that without her father.

I am an independent woman, but there are only so many things that I can do. I am already spreading myself way too thinly as it is. I've always told him that all I ever needed him to do was to just come and see her, but I need him to do more than that. I need child support. I need him to change her diapers. I need him to feed her. I need him to play with her. I need him to talk to her. I need him to be her father. And I'm not going to apologize for saying that I do need him in our lives.

African American women who are single mothers (not all) have a bad habit of saying "I don't need him, I can do this by myself." In my opinion, this statement is what keeps African American men away from helping their children's mothers. I understand that some of our men ain't shit. But there are many that are worth more than their weight in titanium and women (including myself) saying that we don't need them to help us do anything isn't helping them stick around and isn't helping our children.

I have issues with MCF; I will not deny that. But I will not sit here and let those issues get in the way of realizing that I need him in her life and SHE needs him in her life. More than likely he and I will not be the happily ever after couple that I wished we could have been. I do hope however that he will be the Daddy that she needs in her life as she grows and the father I need him to be in her life.

Haiti

2010-01-15T12:23:00.000-08:00

It's taken me a while to post about Haiti and I want to get the word out on all of my blogs (this was the first one I thought about posting to. I will be doing a more in depth post about Haiti's earthquake on my other blog VerbalDiaspora).

We should all donate to Haiti during their extreme time of need. Right now, people are still being found in Haitian buildings, under cars, and other places I would have never thought of finding someone buried alive (or just buried). There are also many in Haiti that are in desperate need of clothes, food, water, diapers, baby food, and other necessities to survive. Please visit one of the following sites to donate any amount to help the cause to find more survivors and to keep more survivors alive:
Yele
Red Cross

Or you can text in your donations. The amount of your donation will be charged to your cell phone bill.

Yele: Text "Yele" to 501501 to donate $5 dollars
American Red Cross: Text "HAITI" to 90999 to donate $10 dollars

Don't forget that you can always gather clothes, non-perishable food items/water, and monetary donations locally to drop off to your local Red Cross and other businesses and organizations that are sending aid to the people of Haiti.

The creation of an Intelligent Beauty - Discovery

2010-01-09T19:30:00.000-08:00

I was over at my BFFs house watching movies, playing Scrabble, and doing hoodrat stuff. Eventually we realized we needed to get some food so we decided to make a run on a late night before continuing our regularly scheduled Scrabble marathon and hoodrat stuff. We decided to do McDonald's and I decided on my usual, a #1 with a Coke (Big Mac meal for those of you who don't know). We came back to her house, sat down, started eating, and I realized that my Big Mac wasn't as good as it used to be.

The next day I was on the phone with my BFF and was telling her about the sandwich. I usually do a meat hiatus for a few months and the weird tasting burger was probably my trigger to doing so. For a few weeks, I just stopped eating meat. I made my veggie lasagna, rice and peas, lots of greens, even bought a veggie burger or two from Burger King (yes I said Burger King). When I went to my mom's for dinner she was fine about me not eating meat when she cooked a steak or a roast. But something had changed: I was getting sick from the smell of the raw meat.

At first I didn't think anything of it; I just thought it was that way because I hadn't encountered any raw meat in a while because of my hiatus. But the more I'd smell it at her house the more I'd get sick to my stomach. Then it advanced to me not being able to smell COOKED meat. Once again, I didn't think TOO much of it, but realized that I needed to get myself checked out.

I went to Walgreen's and bought a pregnancy test, just to be on the safe side. MCF and I had a small tryst about a few weeks prior and even though we used condoms, they cannot always be trusted. After I came home with the test, I went straight to the bathroom to take it. I was supposed to wait two or three minutes for a result; but as soon as I brought the stick from the toilet to put the cap back on, it was already positive.

I sat the stick down on my storage drawer while I waited the remaining minute and a half in complete disbelief. I flushed the toilet and washed my hands and then I looked at the stick again. Wrapping the end in a piece of tissue in order to pick it up, I looked at it a third time and then threw it in the garbage.

For about a week I carefully placed any garbage around the used pregnancy test stick, looking at it every time I used the bathroom just to check that it was positive. I had hoped that the vertical line would magically disappear and it would end up being a negative test and I really wasn't pregnant. But each time I looked down there was that damned plus sign.

I decided to go to urgent care at the local hospital just to make sure. Many women have taken those tests and got a false positive and the box said to go to the hospital or your primary care doctor if the test was positive. I checked into the urgent care and waited around for the triage nurse to call me.

About 30 minutes later, I was in an exam room with a bra and hospital gown on laying down on a cot waiting for the attending to come to my room. I probably looked like I didn't have a care in the world but I was secretly praying to EVERYBODY'S God that they would do the exam and tell me that I wasn't pregnant. The nurse came in, took my vitals, and told me that she was going to be inserting a catheter so that she could get urine directly from my bladder.

After that uncomfortable procedure, I had to wait another hour for my urine sample to be sent to the lab and get my results. I passed the time by finding a good "Law and Order: SUV" episode on TV before the nurse and attending came in with another machine: a vaginal ultrasound. What is a vaginal ultrasound? It's two big words for "you're pregnant."

They took the probe and put some lubricant on it while telling me what they were going to do and why they were using a vaginal probe. Since I was only about four weeks into my pregnancy, any movement wouldn't show up on a regular ultrasound and viewing the fetus vaginally would show more clearly. I just laid back on the cot in disbelief while they inserted the probe to show me my newest bodily addition.

I looked over to my right towards the ultrasound screen and saw a little heartbeat. I was in awe. As the attending pointed out the fetus' head, feet, and heartbeat; I started to cry. Here I am carrying a child. Another human. Inside of my womb. What.the.fuck?

The attending finished up the exam, left the room, and then the nurse said that I could get dressed and they would be bringing me my release papers. After I had gotten dressed, a social worker came in with pamphlets and other literature (and a lunch box because I was starving) about childbirth and options outside of abortion if I didn't want to have the child. I told her that it wasn't my time to have the baby and that I had no problem getting an abortion but also thanked her for the literature. I got my release papers along with additional paperwork stating my due date as well as a list of doctors within the hospital's network.

I walked out of the door, got into my car, and drove home. What was I going to do? Here I am 31 years old, no husband (or boyfriend that I thought gave a damn), a job that wasn't really going anywhere, living in the hood and pregnant. The ten minute ride to my house felt like the green mile because I had some decisions to make and quickly.

Yeah Yeah, I know...

2010-01-09T19:27:00.000-08:00

Hey y'all...

OK I know that I said a few weeks ago that I was going to have some more posts for you but the holidays, layoffs, and a sick mom AND aunt pretty much got into the way. I just finished one post for you and it will be after this and HOPEFULLY you won't have to wait on future posts. Now that the holiday season is out of the way and 2010 is in full force, I should be able to dedicate more time to my writing.

Happy new year y'all!
KMN

H1N1 and Followers

2009-11-29T16:29:00.000-08:00

It really wasn't the swine flu but I did have a virus on my PC (personal AND work...damn gossip sites and their crappy malwarespywarevirusestrojans). Anyway, I was unable to post, write, comment, view....I couldn't do shit.

So the security guard at my job helped me get rid of the virus for $20 (good looking because a sistah was/is B.R.O.K.E.) and installed a bunch of free antivirus stuff on my PC for me (because I am PC dumb as hell when it comes down to certain things).

Now I'm back and running...got a lot of stories about MIB that I had already started and a few more that I have going through my head.

AND I see that I got some followers!! YEAH! I just want to say hey to all of y'all, thanks for putting a sistah on your list and I will be updating my posts and commenting to yours over the week.

YCM's Favorite Things - Pampers

2009-11-18T11:56:00.000-08:00

Watching Selma Hayek pull her left teat out to breast feed a hungry child was a lot of things but most of all it was amazing. I mean, how many of us (let's be honest) would have done that for someone in another country that didn't look like you, much less for someone in your own backyard? For that I commend Selma for that and for her joint venture with Pampers to help newborns and their mothers live.

When I first had MIB, I was choosing her diapers based on best absorbency or lowest price. But whenever I had the money to purchase Pampers products (diapers, wipes, etc.) I went ahead and bought them because of their 1 pack = 1 vaccine program.

Pampers joined with UNICEF to promote the 1 pack = 1 vaccine program because of the number of children and women that are dying because of a basic and readily available (in the U.S. and other 'developed' countries) tetanus vaccine. According to UNICEF, over 160,00 mothers and newborn babies are dying because of the lack of the vaccine in various countries around the world. Pampers and UNICEF have agreed to use a portion of their profit from the purchase of their various Pampers products to provide those women and children with the tetanus vaccine (which comes out to $0.07 per shot. SEVEN.CENTS.). This year, they've been able to provide over 30 million tetanus shots to the underprivileged. (1)

Tetanus is a bacterial disease caused by Clostridium tetani and is spread when someone with an open wound comes in contact with feces or decaying matter in and on the ground. Newborns usually suffer from neonatal tetanus, which usually appears during the birthing process (because of unclean birthing practices and other unclean surfaces/tools used during childbirth). Some of the symptoms of tetanus are: lockjaw, painful muscle spasms, and the inability to breastfeed. These spasms can lead to the newborns inability to breath and eventually their death. Getting a child the tetanus shot immediately after birth can help over 125,000 babies in medically underdeveloped countries live. (2)

If you have children still in diapers, please support the 1 pack = 1 vaccine program sponsored by Pampers and UNICEF. By the diapers, training pants, and wipes to make sure that thousands more children aren't suffering from tetanus and possibly dying horrible deaths. Just like your child, they are innocent beings that didn't ask to be brought here and if we have the ability to save their lives by getting something that we would have to purchase anyway, do it.

Silver Dollars

2009-11-08T13:11:00.001-08:00

When I was a little girl, my Momma made me silver dollars.

When I was around 7 or 8 years old, my mother would babysit my cousin when his parents would go out for dinner or needed a night off. While my cousin was at the house, my mother would make us dinner. But we didn't get the normal hot dogs and macaroni and cheese that some kids would have for dinner. Momma made us a special dinner, a grown up dinner.
She'd make steaks, baked potatoes, a side salad, rolls, and would give us Koolaid in wine glasses. We'd sit at the table with her and Daddy with candles lit and eat like grown ups. My cousin remembers that better than me and is one of his fondest memories (he still asks my Momma to make him dinner at 33, Koolaid and all).

Up until I was probably a junior or senior in high school, I've always had a hot breakfast. One of my fondest memories of childhood was sitting at the table during late September/early October. I would be ready for school: bag packed, teeth brushed, clothes on, coat ready at the front door. But I'd sit at the kitchen table waiting for Momma to finish with my breakfast. While I waited, I would look out the window at the orange sun rising over the house across the street, peeking through the red, orange, and yellow leaves that lived on the big oak tree I used to play marbles underneath. Sometimes breakfast would be as simple as a bowl of oatmeal or as extensive as pancakes, eggs, and bacon. But I always got a hot breakfast before I was dropped off or caught the bus to school.

She was also a pancake queen (she can make the hell outta some pancakes, real talk) and would make them for dinner on nights that required a breakfast theme. I would be help her with the pancakes by buttering them after she took them off of the griddle and we'd talk about our day. She would make normal sized pancakes for her and Daddy but would make silver dollar sized ones for me to eat (she'd do the same thing with her biscuits too). I would feel so special and so loved when she made me those silver dollar pancakes because they were specifically for me.

These are some of the many memories that I have of my Momma and her interaction with me during my childhood. Even though she worked a lot while I was a child, she didn't have to work as much as I do now (as a single parent) because she did have my Daddy in the picture. Because of this, she had more time to spend quality time with me as a child.

This morning she woke me up (I moved her in with me, another day, another post) and told me to make MIB some pancakes. I was really tired from the work week, the night before (unpacking and discarding all of our things), and had to go to work this morning. I told her that I'd make her some eggs and grits, but I didn't know about making her some pancakes. But she kept insisting, "Go make your baby some pancakes."

So I got up, ready to pull flour and baking powder out and there was a bowl of pancakes already mixed on the counter. I made the pancakes, eggs, and sausage and sat down with MIB and Momma and we ate breakfast. While we were eating, I started to tear up and told her that I appreciated her doing that for me because I didn't think I was spending enough time with her (because of my work schedule and other things I have to do for them). She told me: "Baby, it's not the quantity, it's the quality of the time spent with her that's most important."

With that, I dried my tears, watched my baby get syrup all over her shirt, and gave her another silver dollar pancake.

Visiting Hours

2009-11-01T18:04:00.000-08:00

The answer is no.

The last time MCF saw our daughter was in January of this year. Wisconsin winters get ridiculously cold, so he braved the weather and came over to our house (which was two minutes away walking) to come and see MIB. He spent about an hour with her playing and whatnot before he left. Since then, I have been trying to get him to see her but I have yet to be successful.

We have joint custody of MIB, but my house is considered to be her primary residence. Even though the judge gave us shared responsibility regarding her health and educational concerns, we agreed that it would be best that I took over all educational responsibilities. After our court date, we sat down and discussed when he would be able to see MIB.

I told him that he was welcome to my house at any (decent) time of the day, as long as I wasn't at work. My mother (despite the fact that she is nowhere near fond of him) said that her house is open to him while MIB stayed with her while I was working. I even offered to bring her to his house (weather permitting) so that they could spend quality time together.

Despite all of the offers and scenarios given to MCF, he hasn't come to see her since that brutally cold day in January. I'd call him and set up a visitation, he wouldn't show up. Or he wouldn't call to tell me that he wasn't able to come over. Or he'd call, but would have some sorry ass excuse as to why he couldn't see her. Eventually, after so many excuses, I stopped asking.

The need for my child to know her father, however, took over and made me rethink not calling him. We had our fathers in our lives; they watched us grow up, loved us, took care of us, and spent quality time with us. I couldn't understand why he was so resistant about seeing her and I wasn't going to let him deny her of what we both had.

About a month ago, I called him up to talk to him about visiting hours again. He said that he wanted to see her but he wanted to keep her over the weekend. Now, I have NEVER denied him visitation rights to his child. But after not seeing her for almost a year, I wasn't going to let her stay the night with him when all she knows is me and her Nana. I told him that he could spend the day with her or we could go somewhere (like the park or zoo), but she was going to bed under my roof. Then he got pissed.

"I have rights too."

Real talk; that is what he said. I had to look at the phone because now all of a sudden he wanted to invoke his parental rights when he's been nothing more than a sperm donor for the last ten months.

"Look, she's known nothing but me and Momma for all of her life. I put her to sleep, I know her cries, I know her needs. I'm not saying that you can't spend time with her, but until you show me that you can be more responsible (in regards to visitation) then you can keep her overnight. But until then, you'll either have to come here, I come there with her, or we meet up in a neutral spot."

After fussing about that for about ten minutes, he agreed to meet up in the park. Ain't seen his ass since.

I don't feel as if I was wrong telling him that he couldn't keep her overnight. She's only 16 months old. If something happened to her (not that he would do anything to her, but the company he keeps at this point is unknown) she doesn't have the ability to tell me.

Am I wrong? Should I push for him to show his responsibility as a parent or should I let him keep her overnight simply because he's her father?

Things that make me smile

2009-10-29T20:20:00.000-07:00

As a new parent, I am always going to be amazed at what MIB learns to do on a daily basis. There are just a few of the things that she does that make me smile:

The way she chews her food in the front because she doesn't have any teeth in the back yet.

The way she says nose ('noe'), points to hers, and then stabs mine with her little finger.

The way she runs around on the bed in circles and then runs in place Flashdance style when a song comes on the TV or radio.

The way she bops her left shoulder up and down right before she breaks it down Flashdance style.

When she says 'ma' she sounds just like that little boy on "The Rifleman."

The way she crawls on the side of me on the couch when it's time for her to go to sleep, grabs her bottle, and plays with her bellybutton until she falls asleep.

Her reciting the hand motions to Pattycake and then clapping and squealing for herself at the end of the song.

The way she turns her nose up and makes a face when I ask her if she went stinky poo poo.

How she gives me a hug and pats me on my shoulder while hugging me.

I'm not having anymore...

2009-10-27T15:20:00.000-07:00

As soon as I get some vacation time, I am getting my tubes tied.

Getting a tubal is something that I have wanted to do since I was about 20 years old. As a child, I wanted my parents' life: married really young (Momma was 18 and Daddy was 22), live life a little bit together and then have some kid(s). After 18 came and went, and the lack of a committed relationship while I was in college, I realized that I probably wouldn't ever get married much less have children.

So at 20, I made the decision to have my tubes tied because honestly I really didn't like kids that much. I love children, honestly I do...but groups of them (4 or more at any age) and bad assed ones really isn't my cup of tea (how I managed to survive 4 years of teaching without killing one is amazing).

Since you can't get your tubes tied in Wisconsin without having at least two kids before the age of 30, I had to wait it out and be careful. Once I turned 30 and the prospect of marriage really went south and my dislike for children (at least in my house 24/7) considerably grew; I made steps to not have children without having surgery (I hate the doctor and hospitals with a passion).

I went out and bought condoms laced with spermicide as well as spermicidal film (LOVE THIS) to make sure that I wouldn't get knocked up by mistake. My child's father (who is a sperm donor this month...another day, another tale) would hate to wear a condom but I made him put one on. Even if he did slip it off in the middle of flipping me over, I had my backup spermicidal film to protect me if he happened to make another donation.

The first time I got pregnant, I made it up in my mind to have an abortion. All I needed to do was get the money to pay for the procedure and I was good to go. I discussed it with my mother and she supported me; but I didn't discuss it with MCF (my child's father) for reasons I'd rather not get into right now. As I got further along in my pregnancy, my faith (no, I'm not Christian) reminded me that to have an abortion would be destroying ancestors. About a month after finding out I was pregnant (due to the stress of the absolutely unruly children I was teaching...damn certain parents), I had a painful, lonely, sad miscarriage.

*Side note: I am pro choice and pro life. In my situation, based on my faith, I have to be pro life. But if I weren't in the faith that I am, I would regard myself with the masses to be pro choice. You do what you want; that's between you and your God*

The next year, MCF and I got together again, and I got pregnant. That time, there was no choice in the matter: I was having my child. There was a reason I got pregnant again around the same time despite all that I did to prevent pregnancy. After those 10 months of pregnancy (that still upsets my uterus), two days of labor, one C-Section, and five additional days in the hospital later...My Intelligent Beauty (MIB) came into this world. She became my world and everything that I did I then realized that I would be doing it for her.

I be damned though, if I do it again.

I remember taking an Africology class many moons ago that discussed Egyptian life, society, and belief system. One of the discussions that I took and kept with me almost 15 years later was to never bring a child into this world if I am not able to take care of said child emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually. And even though I am doing that for MIB right now, I can't say that I would be able to do that again. As a single parent, it is hard enough to give her everything she needs (she's still in the need portion of her life; I am in the want stage for her) but I'll sell my soul to make sure that she has it all to make it another day.

But, I can't do that again. Real talk. Having children, single or not, is a serious situation to put yourself and future child(ren) into. Many times, people (who have sense) sit down and talk about their situation when it comes to children; and if the child isn't preplanned (like MIB) then discussions about how to raise and rear said child, how visitations go, what faith to raise the child in, etc., etc. And I'm single. If I wanted to have more children, I'd rather be married and I don't think I'll be going down that road (not being pessimistic, just honest...I'm too old for the BS).

I am 33 now. I have MIB running around driving me mad but making me the happiest person alive at the same time. I'm still single, her father still isn't doing his part of the job, and I'm not even in the mood to start dating right now so marriage is out of the question. The older I get the more prone a child is subject to birth defects and the more prone I am to a more difficult labor with possible complications. I'm old enough to know what I want and need in my life and frankly a tubal is what I need.

Now all I need is that week off...

Nursery Rhymes - 2009

2009-10-22T07:52:00.000-07:00

I was playing with my daughter the other day and she kept kicking her feet so I decided to recite "This Little Piggy" on her toes. I like that nursery rhyme: short, simple, and to the point.
While I was reciting the nursery rhyme to her, I started to think about how the piggies would be portrayed if it was written in 2009.

Nursery Rhyme: This little piggy went to market
2009: This little piggy went to the co-op, Trader Joe's, or Whole Foods.

Nursery Rhyme: This little piggy came home.
2009: This little piggy couldn't afford the prices at the co-op, Whole Foods, or Trader Joe's; so s/he went home to get their Aldi's bags to go shopping there.

Nursery Rhyme: This little piggy had roast beef.
2009: This little piggy has PETA at his/her door for eating the roast beef and is picketing his/her house because of it. S/he is currently barricaded inside of his/her house.

Nursery Rhyme: This little piggy had none.
2009: This little piggy is a strict vegan and is one of the protesters at the roast beef little piggy's house. S/he is carrying a calf with a sign saying: "I don't want to grow up to be placed in between two pieces of bread dipped in au jus."

Nursery Rhyme: This little piggy cried "wee wee wee" all the way home.
2009: This little piggy is currently at his/her lawyer's office filing suit against the other little piggies because of this statement. S/he is suing them for libel and emotional distress. "Wee wee wee" piggy's statement: "I am offended by the statement made by the other piggies. I was not recorded or even seen saying 'wee wee wee' by the other piggies or any other party. I find it repulsive and offensive that they would even make such outrageous lies about how I live my life and how I decide to act while going home. This is an outrageous accusation and I will not let them get away with it."

This is not an advertisement for Trader Joe's or Whole Foods. Also, this is not intended to offend anyone that is vegan, a meat eater, PETA supporters, or lawyers.

I am not your baby's momma

2009-09-27T11:48:00.000-07:00

I hate the term “my baby’s momma.”

When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter and I knew that her father wasn’t going to commit to me or be a constant figure in her life, I decided right then and there that I would not be lowered to baby momma status. He already had other children by other women (yes, stupid on my part to get involved with him, but that’s neither here nor there) and he always referred to them as his babies’ mommas. Whenever he said baby’s momma, it was with malice, disgust, and disrespect. I reused to be part of that unfortunate club.

When he would (seldom) come over to my house to visit her, he would sometimes receive phone calls and say that he was over at his baby’s momma’s house. I would quickly let him know that I wasn’t his baby’s momma. He’d look at me funny and I would tell him to tell whomever he was talking to that I am his child’s mother.

I am not one of those women that you see on the Maury Povich show (to make this comment even funnier, he actually asked ME to go onto the show to prove our child’s paternity). I refuse to attend a show to embarrass my child, my family or myself for a free paternity test or 15 minutes of fame. You won’t find me on a show being loud and overly animated; proclaiming my 150% surety that the 9^th man Maury brought out was the father. I will not scream, start crying, run behind the stage, fall out in the middle of the floor, and promise Maury that I will be back with man number ten after being embarrassed for the ninth time.

I am not the caricature of a baby’s momma. I am not greedy, selfish, narcissistic, or whorish. I don’t expect to be taken care of just because I bore your child. My ten months of pregnancy does not equate a lifetime of financial care from my child’s father and his pocket. Do I expect him to help with the financial part of raising our child? Yes. But, since I’m not a baby’s momma, you won’t see me in court demanding $10,000 a month to “take care of our child.” It costs a lot to raise a child but not that damned much.

I am not the baby’s momma that is dressed in the latest and the hottest while my child looks like a homeless refugee. You won’t see my child with uncombed hair, dirty clothes, shoes that are too small for her feet (or no shoes at all), or a diaper that hasn’t been changed in hours. Since I am not your baby’s momma, but your child’s mother, you will see that your child is clean, smells like a baby, and constantly has a dry and clean diaper on. When we go out, her diaper bag usually has six diapers, three bibs, a box of baby wipes, a change of clothes, lotion, powder, diaper rash cream (just in case), hand sanitizer, food, and beverage. She will not suffer because I want to look the part. I will do without before she does.

I am not the baby’s momma that will use our child as a bartering piece. I will not use her to “get you back into my life.” She was conceived for a reason, a blessing from a higher power that brought her into this world for a purpose. She’s not here to replace a gambling piece in our relationship, however dysfunctional or cooperative it may be. I won’t keep her from you because you won’t be with me or give me the money I feel I need to keep my lifestyle going. I am your child’s mother, not your blackjack dealer.

As an African American woman, the term baby’s momma is almost exclusively ours. This is how we are viewed in everyday occurrences if we are seen without our child’s father or have multiple children by our side. Are there women who fit the examples I’ve listed above? Yes; but many African American women do not. There are many of us who work on a daily basis, are not dependent on child support to keep afloat, do not desire to reconnect with their child’s father, and actually take care of their children. Most importantly, those of us who dismiss the term baby’s momma make that fact known. They are verbal about the verbiage used when we are presented to others by their child’s father. We do not allow others to call us baby’s momma because we understand the stigma that is attached to the term and prefer to be called your child’s mother because that is who we are and what we are.

So yes, when you talk about me or talk to me remember that I am not your baby’s momma.

I am your child’s mother.