I seriously thought that my love for her was unconditional until I looked at her in her hospital room bed the other day.
Everyday when I look at my child, despite what hell she's gotten herself into, I tell her how much I love her. I let her know that I'd give her the world if she asked me to and would protect her from all that I can. I'd hug her, read her bedtime stories, sit through her made up bedtime stories, sing to her, fuss over her, teach her, console her, color with her, learn with her...and I thought that was unconditional love.
But when I saw her in her hospital room bed, I realized that I was giving her a lot of love...not necessarily unconditional.
Her bed was raised really high because the nurse and I has just finished changing her diapers and I didn't put her all the way down yet because I was washing my hands. I looked over at her and saw her little body laying there, not being able to move. Her right foot was kicking up and down and you saw the dry skin still flaking off of it because of dryness that had occurred when she had her first cast on. Her left leg was this big pink log with a salmon and white foot wiggling back and forth.
She was still laying down flat in her bed and she was trying to look over her cast to watch tv and she had Shreky and Little Baby by her sides. Then, she looked over to me and just smiled...and I just broke. This huge wave of sadness and emptiness rushed over me and I realized the world that I brought my child into. I thought about what I needed to protect her from, what more I needed to do for her...just all of these thoughts came into my head about her and who she is and who she is to me and what she means to me. And I realized that I wasn't doing enough for her.
I don't know why I feel like what I'm giving her isn't enough. I guess all parents go through this stage where they feel like they could do more or be more. Maybe I'm at that stage. Maybe it was the hormones. Maybe it was seeing her looking all helpless and defenseless since she's unable to walk right now. Maybe I COULD be doing more for her as a mother.
But then again, never stopping doing what I can does make my love for her unconditional.