Thursday, February 18, 2010

Ice water was served in hell earlier today...

I was finishing up dinner with my mom and MIB when I got a call from SD at about 9 pm. He said that he wanted my address because he was coming over to see her.

I'll be damned if he didn't show up about an hour later.
He came in and as soon as MIB saw him, she started running towards me. My child didn't even know who her father was and that hurt me to no end. He tried to pick her up and get her to come to him but she just kept clinging to me like he was going to kidnap her.
I told her "that's your daddy baby, go say hi to daddy." But she kept reaching up towards me whenever I put her on the floor to walk to him or tried to hand her over to him. When she would let him hold her for a few seconds, he would talk to and hug her and kiss her cheeks...but then she'd still be reaching for me.
He stayed for about half an hour; most of that time was spent trying to convince her that it was ok for her to come to him and that he was her daddy.
I told him that her first words were "dada." He had a dumbass look on his face.
My mom came out of her room to talk to him and told him that he needed to see her more and that he was always welcome here to spend time with her. She also told him that if my daddy was alive he would have kicked his ass for treating his child the way that he was.
When he got ready to go, MIB let him hug her but she still wanted to be with me. I had to check him for calling me his "baby's momma." He didn't do it again...I guess he don't read this blog. He told me that he was going to come over more often in order to see her. He didn't want to make anymore promises but he was going to make a better effort to visit her.
I call bullshit on that.
I guess I'll just have to see. He's so stuck on what his problems are and what he's going through and he still doesn't get the fact that we are all going through things. I'm going through a lot but that doesn't stop me from doing what I need and want to be doing for our child.
I wonder if he'll come back to see her again. I wonder if I even want him to come back. I feel like I've traumatized my child by bringing this stranger into her life.

After talking to him about what he's been up to lately and what he's been through lately (I swear thugs have no concept of advancement, growth, and maturity) I don't know if I even want her to be around him and his bullshit.
I want my child to know her father, to have a father figure, to have a positive male figure in her life.

After talking to him and what he's doing with him life...I don't think I want that anymore. She might be better without him. And why is it taking me this long to really realize that no father figure can be better than a bad father figure?


  1. "After talking to him and what he's doing with him life...I don't think I want that anymore. She might be better without him. And why is it taking me this long to really realize that no father figure can be better than a bad father figure?"

    Because when the person isn't dead, it is hard to reconcile the idea that no father at all is better than a bad one. I found out the hard way that often it is better and sometimes you have to step out on faith. Listen to your instincts-not sure if you follow a spiritual path but if you do listen to the leading spirit in your life-it won't steer you wrong.

    It took me 8 years to figure it out with my oldest-I let him spend this past summer with his father-that was a disaster that it took my son 8 months to recover from. In the meantime there was a lot of anger, rage, acting out issues as a result.

    If he's stepping up to be the father she needs, let him. If it's about garnering sympathy for his life and his plight, let him go wallow elsewhere-your daughter deserves his best, not his worst.

    God bless!

  2. TSFAPHD...
    Thanks for stopping by!! I have no problem with him being a father and stepping up to plate because it's what he needs to do and what she needs in her life. My problem is the constant disappointment. For example, he called me last week, said that he was coming over this weekend to see her and didn't. Didn't call me to tell me why or to reschedule and I don't have a working number to get in contact with him. It's the promises and breaking of said promises that piss me off and hurt me because my daughter is missing out on quality time with her father.
    If he could be consisitent, call when he needs to (like if he can't make it or whatever) and so on...that would be cool. Now she's at the age where she really doesnt know and understand but i don't want him to be pulling this mess when she DOES understand. And if he is going to disappoint her by being selfish and irresponsible then I'd rather him not be in her life and breaking her heart like that...

    But i will NEVER close the door on him when he wants to see her...I'm not that cold * JK JK!!*




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