Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The creation of an Intelligent Beauty - Decisions

The creation of an Intelligent Beauty Part 1

I'm pregnant.

That was the only thing I could think of once I got home. I went to my room, sat in my bed, and came to the realization that I was actually pregnant. It wasn't a false positive, a faulty pregnancy test...this was the real thing. It was verified by the ultrasound that there was a tiny body in my stomach.

And I didn't know what the fuck to do.

I told the social worker at the hospital that I had no problem having an abortion but in actuality I kind of did. I believe in a woman's choice to do what she wanted to do with her body and if having an abortion was what she wanted, then I support what she does. At the same time, if abortion doesn't fit into the way she lives her life, then I support that too. I always thought I was going to have an abortion, but my faith and what it dictates was telling me no. I needed to stop, weigh all options, and look at what signs were being placed before me.

The year before, I was pregnant (by MCF; I don't fool around with a whole bunch of people. When I'm with someone, I am with HIM and HIM only). I found out by going to the doctor simply because I wasn't feeling good and wanted to know what was going on. A week to the day after finding out I was pregnant I had a miscarriage. I told myself that I wasn't going to get pregnant again because of the mental and physical pain of the miscarriage, the asshole of a boyfriend (me and MCF were a couple at the time), and the fact that I just wasn't ready. But for some reason, I had gotten pregnant (despite all I did to protect myself from the pregnancy) again exactly one year later. Was there a reason why I had gotten pregnant again? Are the ancestors trying to tell me something? Is this a sign?

If I kept the child, I knew my life would change forever. I started to think about what I would be missing if I had a kid. First thing that popped in my mind: my freedom. If I had a child, I wouldn't be able to just get up and go whenever I wanted to. Late nights at the club or a friend's house would be a thing of the past and turn into a luxury. I would have to start planning events and outings weeks in advance instead of being able to do them at the spur of the moment. Babysitters would have to be contacted and contracted, times would have to be agreed upon, and money (and lots of it) would be changing hands.

The cost of raising a child in the 21st century has gone up to almost 200k per child for 18 years. If I had a child, I couldn't shop like I wanted to anymore. If I wanted to go out and trick off a lot of money on booze or at the club or just on whatever, it couldn't be done because I'd have to use that money on diapers and food and other baby stuff. I would still be able to get things for myself but the child's necessities would come before my wants.

I was a certified single person. I offered help to those who really needed it (even those who just wanted it) and wasn't selfish. But once I finished helping others and got down to me, I WAS selfish. I didn't have any responsibilities, I was free...I had no one to answer to, to worry about, to tend to, to take care of and I loved it. But a baby? I could say good by to my single, carefree life for good and my single person selfishness.

Somebody tell me what the fuck am I supposed to do...

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