This is kinda long so please bear with me...
MIB's birthday was last week. MCF's sister wanted to come over for the party (which was postponed for another reason) and she took off of work to attend the party with her kids. I felt bad about it (because I actually like his sister. She's really nice) and tried to make arrangements to do something else with her and her kids on the day me and MIB were to go out.
I tried calling MCF for days but he never answered, never got in touch with me, never texted me...nothing. On MIB's birthday, he didn't call her to wish her a happy birthday, he ever got into contact with her...nothing.
So I kept calling to cuss him out (to tell the truth) and he still never answered. I could have texted him but it wouldn't have been the same. Finally I decided to just say eff it and stopped calling him. This morning while I'm at work listening to Pandora, a text came through on my phone:
MCF: I truly understand the wrongfulness of my responsibilities and wish to make it up. But u have to realize my condition...I'm willing to give up my rights.
The hell?
I texted him back:
Me: I don't know your condition you won't talk to me that is all i ever asked of you was to just stay in contact with me.
His condition? He's bipolar. And a black male. In a city that has limited access to mental health help geared towards black males and bipolarism. He's been telling me (when we do talk) that he's been seeing someone professionally to get help with this but they changed his meds (he was on lithium and then they switched him to another script that sounded like an anti-psychotic...but I'm not a dr.).
But does this have anything to do with him not seeing MIB? With him missing her holidays and birthdays? Hell no. And hell yes.
I talked to him on the phone earlier this morning and he was telling me that he was under a mandatory 72 hour hold because of an incident that he had in the hospital. He was embarrassed and irritated that he had to be there and didn't want to be around MIB and his family because he was becoming more violent due to his lack of meds and (I think) professional mental health. He doesn't want to come to my house to see MIB because he and mother can't stand each other. According to him (which is true by the way) my mother takes shots at him and is always talking slick or saying something that just fucks up the flow of what is going on between him and MIB.
Should my mother make a difference in him seeing MIB? No. But I understand where he's coming from. I can understand that he's frustrated because every time he comes over my mother has something negative to say to him about the past and what he hadn't done instead of just letting what he was doing at that moment go on. He claims the anxiety and bipolarism makes him not want to deal with her.
I've talked to my mother (as y'all know she lives with me and I try to help her with her physical needs because of her long list of ailments...only child syndrome) about her comments and actions when he comes over. I tell her to stay out of it and to keep her comments to herself because it causes more trouble between MCF and myself. And she doesn't listen of course. Again that shouldn't deter him from coming over but if someone talked shit about me every time I came over to see my child I wouldn't want to come over either.
It ain't right but I understand.
Me and MCF talked again later in the afternoon today. I suggested to him that we have a mediator or co-parenting counseling to deal with what's going on between us so that we could properly raise MIB. He agreed to it but will it stick?
I have been working so hard to establish a good relationship between me and him, him and MIB and the three of us. And to tell the truth y'all...I'm tired. I can't keep listening to him tell me that my mother is running and ruining my life and to my mother that he ain't shit and doesn't want to have anything to do with MIB. I'm at a crossroads and need to know this: Do I pursue the counseling/mediation? Do I move out of the house with my mother and leave her to fend for her own with me coming over whenever I can to help her? Do I tell him to shove it? Is he even serious? How is his bipolar condition going to affect what we are trying to do for and with MIB?
I need answers y'all...
I have absolutely no experience with dealing with anybody with mental illness so I can't offer any advice about that but from what I've read in your posts I really don't think that taking your mother out of the picture will have any effect on how he behaves. If he really wants to be in MIBs life he will be, no matter what. You've done your best trying to make sure he is in her life, you can only do so much. If you think that counseling and mediation will help, give it a try but don't beat yourself up about this.
ReplyDeleteI give my advice lightly, knowing that you and I have very different philosophies on the role of the absent father in a child's life. Having said that...this man has told you with his own mouth that he is unfit. If someone said that to me, there is no way I would want them around my child. I don't care if it is his child. Do you know how many mothers you see on the news who have lost their child by an act of the father, would have loved to have that kind of forewarning? Girl...umm, no.
ReplyDeleteSSB...I think you're right. As much as my mother will work my nerves, he'll still be an asshole even if we didn't live together anymore. I'm starting to believe that all the work was for not and that any future work will be worth it. I'm trying to not beat myself up about this but I did put her in this situation (at least 50%) and I feel a responsibility to get her out of it.
ReplyDeleteTebels...(first of all you need to relink me to your blog lol) and second of all you don't need to treat me with gloved hands...I can take it. I guess there is a part of me that feels like it's the bipolarism talking...but as I've been thinking about it through out the day I really feel like that's just him. Him and his BS...
And I can see now what you're saying about his disease progressing into something violent and him possibly hurting my child (because I will cut his ass from toe to hair if he EVER did anything to her)...I never thought about that. I wanted her to have her father...like I did. Like he did. It's looking like that might not happen...
Thanks for the advice y'all I got a lot to think about.
KMN
Not lightly as in sparing your feelings, but lightly as in I know that you and I would traditionally do very different things, so my opinion isn't always relevant to your situations. I personally could give two shakes of a cow's tail if my kids ever saw their father again, and that's where we differ. But regardless, it doesn't even take mental illness for a parent to snap...sometimes resentment will do it as well. Hell, even mothers these days are killing their kids in a fit of anger. Parenting is a privileged, and it should be earned, not given freely b/c one contributed an egg/sperm. But I do wish you the best, I hope it works out and that you make a decision that works out for all parties involved. Oh, and I haven't done anything with that blog lol, I think I had like one post in it...haven't written anything since.
ReplyDeleteA lot ppl don't understand what it is to be bipolar. That disease is a very serious one. Honestly, having seen what the disease can do & at one point living w/ a bipolar parent, I can tell you that giving up his rights might be the safest thing in his mind to protect all parties involved. Ppl who are bipolar are very capable of extremely violent outrages.
ReplyDeleteHowever, if he is seeking professional help, I do think that a custody hearing would be best. You could set up monitored visitation until he's deemed healthy enough to watch your daughter on his own & has progress in his treatment.
As far as the situation with your mom, you have to make her understand that she has to mind her own business. I dealt with the same thing coming from my mom. Eventually, I did move out. I couldn't have my child witnessing her father getting talked about negatively. Also, I just got tired of her being in my business period.
I think only you can decide if moving is right for you & your daughter. However know that how your mom treats your bipolar ex does play a huge role in his ability to come around more often. Until he gets a handle on his disease he is prone to seriously outbursts that could lead to him getting physical w/ her.
I hope the situation works out for the best of everyone.